Picked by the bullies

I got it under control.
At least, when I’m outside..

When I’m alone, in my zone, I collapse on my couch.  
I shiver, catch my breath, tears coming all out.

It is so deep now. I just wanna scream, wanna shout. But I don’t.
The girl inside is so small, insecure and hurt, so she won’t.

But that’s why you picked me, right?
To bully, because you knew I wasn’t the type of person who would fight you, really.

You let yourself out on me,  
even when you did see the immediate tears and fear coming out of me.
At first I said stop, but you just didn’t shut up.  
So.. after a while I just stared and let you get the best out of me.

I looked around, there was a whole crowd busting me.  
I felt so alone, weak and unimportantly.

Finally came home, but there the bully didn’t stop,  
which let me to the point where I thought I should stop..

Should I..?  
Stop?

I dont know, cause I loved too much.
On the day I did see the bully cry I felt empathy.  
Wanted to see people happy, even when they didn’t give a fck about me.

I only thought about it twice, but there I stood.  
On my wrist, a kitchen knife
Blacked out before, but realized it very soon.  
I felt stiff, but I knew I wanted to live.. my life!
So I put the knife away, I was only 9 + 5  

Up to the present day you are still hunting me,  
not only you, like I said, it was the whole crowd demonizing me.

Now my surroundings are good, but old thoughts make me tick.
Still making sure I am the last one to pick.
Taking good care of me? Nah, you made sure that now I don't give a sh..

I mean, I do, but this is my program now.  
They hypnotized me for years. I wanna change this but how?!

Start to look for things in the mirror that make you go "wow".
Like the fact that you are still standing, step by step you will grow, somehow.

Make sure you have a person that will help you to take the uplifting route,
who will make sure that after a while you even may be proud.

That’s how you start, act from the heart. You really are something.  
Now build your life, up to the skies. And really stop for nothing.

You got this! ;)