I am Just a Kid

I lost a lot when I was little
like my house and my dad
Like the way he walked out the door
And I didn’t even get to be mad

Because I was just a kid, who didn’t know any better
Who was still growing up
So when I begged my dad to stay and he said “tough luck”
I wasn’t sure how to handle a rejection from someone I loved

The silence hurt so much more than just saying “you’ll never be enough”

I was just a kid, and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to grow up
I’m neck deep in a loop of my past
Wiping the blood from my hands at long last
It’s not my fault, and I try really hard to believe that

But I’m just a kid, who shouldn’t apologize for things I didn’t break
When I cried to my mom, she thought I wasn’t okay
I just missed my dad and the family that he took away
And somehow I still felt responsible for all his mistakes

When you’re just a kid, it’s easy to lose yourself in love
Bleeding yourself dry just to feel needed
Your resident yes-man has just conceded to anything you’d like
Just promise not to leave because I couldn’t handle another loss

I don’t think I can grieve again

I’m just a kid, and I’m scared of the world
And it’s my dads voice in the back of my head telling me all of my love has been mislead
I’m terrified of everyone leaving me behind
When will everyone remember that I’m too ill-defined?

Too hard to manage, and love, too hard to keep
That’s all that my dad ever taught me
And I’m just a kid, who will spend the rest of my life
Pretending like I’m not completely terrified of standing by and watching everyone go

And a reminder to my dad: I’m not a kid anymore