Sleep deprivation clarity found in the rubble of a fallen castle in the sky



It’s me and NJH my little man on the couch. We are playing a game called Ori. you are a creature of light that fights against the darkness creeping creatures . Anyway he turns to me and says daddy is this real. Is this a dream. The game was quite dreamlike you see very artistically made. He says daddy how do I know this is real. How do I know you’re real. You don’t seem real to me. I said well son does it feel like good dream or a bad one he said good daddy you are I said …. Well… son sometimes life is just like that sometimes it just seems like you’re dreaming but… I can promise you we are really awake right now this isn’t a dream. I am real you are real.  But for a moment I thought I might actually really be lying to my son.  Insanity I know it’s pure creation imagination on a visual auditory visceral experience. No boundaries complete chaos. It’s beautiful. I saw a deer walk into our backyard. It slowly crept along the outside of our fence and walked up onto our driveway. A stag maybe 2 years small anthers just forming all velvet smooth growing in like second year crop should. He walked into our pot field which concerned us because deer like to eat pot plants. Looks like we’re not so different after all. He walked around the plants smelling them. Appreciating them. He paused as I walk up onto the driveway and we make eye contact like the whole world stopped for about 60 seconds we stared at one another and we saw each other for what each was as if he spoke through his majestic gaze parallel with mine for what could have been eternity in a moment. And he turns around takes another glance behind him dead at me. My dad says he’s looking right you and I know but don’t say anything and the stag  says “go the f*ck to sleep man you’ve been up for two days what is wrong with you. And he walked off into the woods disappearing from view forevermore. I Ike to think that deer went off and made a bunch of deer babies with some good looking doe and settled down. Stop doing the dumb shit. Stop being a fool and raise him a little deer family and maybe go out to the lake once a year with his buddies and get wasted relive the old days or maybe he’s a mushroom farmer now. Deers like mushrooms too like us. There’s a myth about those flying reindeer really just eating the northern cold weather mycorrhiza symbiotic mushroom Amanita muscaria being the reason they could fly with Santa. But who knows if they’re really elf’s hiding in hidden tunnels all over the under city of the Greenland icecaps. Greenland being covered in ice and Iceland covered green. What can I say it’s a strange world.I hope these pages find someone and make them think outside the box in everything you do. Try to see the whole design don’t just memorize and copy the parts you see fit. Step outside yourself, loose yourself in living, loving, and doing what you love with the people you love and what could be better than that and hold your own ego in your hands everything you thought you ever were. Everything you expect the world to be and how little any of what you think you know matters let’s get real here. Humbled in front of the truth which has shown itself to be more fluid than ever imagined with the metaphysical spiritiual quantum physical entangled in twined born from stardust and ancient code remains unbroken and unspoken you won’t hear about it only what we want you to know. You think what we tell you to we know the human code and we run scams with the most addictive substances on the planet and keep you working and voting and and pissing and shitting the newest fades and todays best brands. We promise the world will in the mail tomorrow it’s always a day away and that’s when you get paid but we get paid today they say so I awake to sound but I’m really still sleeping because all my movements have all been preplanned orchestrated and played by actors a life based on a truth that can’t be found I’m here and I’m trapped and I can’t see the way out I’m usually much more resilient than this. Fall down it takes twice as long to stand so I’ve practiced the art of gravity balancing swaying my inside round skin is on fire but I’m doing fine.  They sell us a dream that enlightment comes in the form of other quotes you post on your page or do you speak from the heart. Because every time I open my mouth there’s a flood like the one Noah survived, my heart bleeds out my mouth and through my fingers onto the guitar and peace I find. Once in awhile or to live completely free from the chained of my physical limitations like a new set of hands like we’re this been all my life. Can I stay in the music forever and get lost in its warm covers on a cold night. Can I loose my self in the sound and dance the night away with myself and my imagination no chains this time like a blank canvass we’re gonna need a lot of color for this one this one just strummed my heartstrings and made them sing out loud. This one could end my life and I might be grateful still. This one could change the tides and make you stand against a hurricane and wrestle it to the ground. Ride it like an American stallion or a west bound freight train or a carousel to hell. They might say I’m loosing what grip I thought I hade on this fragile existence. Existential crisis does it run in the family passed down through my seed is my son looking at me the same way I saw my dad. I can say this I hope so because then at least it’d feel like I’m doing something right. I try to give my kids a better life than I hade because I put myself through hell torture truly every single day. My dad is a lot of things but one thing you’ll never hear complaint for lack of heart. He loved deeply he put himself into envy thing he did he was never absent in mind he was loud like a bear and when he talked people listened. Sometimes they just came to the store just hear him.he never short on a story for everything count on it. That’s you grandpa Noah and Cora mad to live mad to talk desiress of everything at once shooting like yellow Roman candles like spiders across the sky. Bright and fast. At any given moment had something to die for.  A passion to live life that makes rest impossible. Sleep improbable and hope for rest unlikely. Quite possibly either two things a severe manic bipolar with depressive tendencies and the ability to flip on a dime or… or… or… a man who found a heart he thought he’d lost a long time ago in the heart of his children in their laughter in the fire in their eyes in their passions and aspirations that change as quick as my moods. Maybe I’m crazy or as normal like the setting you find on a washing machine or a tree  trunk bigger than your car hollowed out from a forest fire big enough a tent for two. We slept in the rain and the snow the floods came and we stayed searching for a reason not to float away with the tides the same tree with a seed that needs fire to germinate like a fucking dragon egg or the world unseen and unknown right under our noses the veil that folds over it hids it so well. Once in awhile a catch a glimpse of heaven under and over its spell not today.I’ve stumbled and fallen down the rabbit hole now I fall eternally forevermore. A world of shear madness and wondrous things. For to die would be the greatest adventure of all Peter Pan and hook came to meet his doom at the hands of time a clock or better jaws to hug you till you snap.  The rubber man thought he was bulletproof for how much more longer will I skate cheat death is knocking at my door pounding a door in my room not previously seen on every other thousandth arrival into my room there has never been a door but there it is where did it come from there’s light coming from under the door it’s starts pounding harder and harder trying to get in and the door gives way and the solid dead wood vines swallow me piercing my lungs until I die awake but there he stood drink vinegar father why have you forsaken me in your heart forsaken me. I die for all and all for one he said let me die.. for you let me be the light to guide you till dawn he comes like a thief in the night come to take your pain honey coated words taste worst than a shit tooth grin.  I’m not saying I don’t take what I want what I can from it which is quite alot. you see I was my own martyr killing myself pretending not in vain but vanity is frail let’s not waste it live today with every breathe you breathe you give it all all that we take and get it back what we put into it twofold a strange type of hunger the more we eat the more it gets stronger like knowledge fed though a satellites signal I’ll take what ever I can get and no one can ever take it from me because I’ll write it on my soul make myself and start again. When will he drop folks nobody knows he stands on his feet they can’t seem to knock him down if his whole body fails his ankles will still be gravitationally locked to the earth. He always lands on his feet another false bulletproof vest that failed human trials but I knowingly slap that fucker on and run head first into oncoming fire from the enemy nothing more than a human death machine. Someone should take him around back the shed put him out of this pain don’t let him suffer the man is broken like Humpty Dumpty a paper crumbled never to be flat a cucumber that turned into a pickle can’t turn back like the deer should have taken his advice and went to sleep I’m still typing you can’t stop this feeling. You can’t match it like drugs that get you anywhere but here or the good ones here and no where else. Figuring out what I’m capable of and where that line ends a line like the ones that make up states only there because we say they are try to prove us wrong they say. Like the money you were born to owe like the chains and shackles you were born to wear and you wore them well. me I guess I’m just different never quite fit right in. Some things people did I found to be a waste of time like going and getting a job I thought you know I think my own problems are hard enough  me getting a job is like taking on your problems and mine how about I deal with mine first by trying to find purpose in a watered down cup of koolaid all society drinks assigned by the state as a dietary necessity made of nothing but artificially made dyes and sugar citric sweet. but buy what we’re selling we sell everything. We sell ideas that spreed like cancer turning all it touch to coal till it’s got enough to burn a fire all the world can see.  Civilization is on the decline and technology stronger than ever dystopian wasteland a dream I once had come true again and again or my mind playing tricks. So real would you believe me if I told you or laugh in my face.  but is silence the true slow death or do I speak my mind and let it shine through just talk to me walk with me a mile in my shoes and I’ll walk with you. I rennet riding in the car with my dad feeling so surreal I asked him how do you know that when you drive back home your house will actually be there waiting for you what if it’s not like we get so comfortable in a little lives we come home to house that’s aways there a place we can be free king of our own kingdoms. Strip me of anything soft anything warm anything comfortable and there’s no end to that hell it’s a slippery slope I’ve fallen down plenty  but give it your all or then all of your pennys but you have to give up or you have to let go. The middle ground has eroded beneath my feet I must jump ship to save my life she’s a lost cause lot hope. Nowhere to stand no way to live this balancing act got vertigo a long time ago and I lay in my wasted filth a scream no one but you can hear fills my eardrums till they bleed.

About this poem

Coming off of opiates thoughts flow like rivers strong as fire hoses with a broken off lever

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Written on July 06, 2023

Submitted by Shaneryanharper on July 06, 2023

11:25 min read
47

Quick analysis:

Scheme A
Characters 11,824
Words 2,283
Stanzas 1
Stanza Lengths 1

Shane Ryan Harper

Opiate addict 14 years getting clean in his fathers house living there with wife and two children who are my every reason and a family mad to live. more…

All Shane Ryan Harper poems | Shane Ryan Harper Books

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1 Comment
  • Jewoo525
    "Ori and the Blind Forest" is an excellent game, a modern classic for the indie game genre. I'm glad you're getting your son into playing it.

    Flow-of-consciousness poems are always hard to pull off, I admire your bravery in submitting it to a peer-judged poetry contest. Despite the length, I felt I was able to follow the crests and troughs of late-night to early-morning thinking session-something I relate to a lot. I appreciated your honesty, the words really did feel as if they flowed directly from your heart.

    I hope you keep writing and experimenting with different forms of poetry, it may aid in your meditative process. Keep writing.
     
    LikeReply10 months ago

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"Sleep deprivation clarity found in the rubble of a fallen castle in the sky" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Jun 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/166141/sleep-deprivation-clarity-found-in-the-rubble-of-a-fallen-castle-in-the-sky>.

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