Poison

My love makes me angry
Loving you made me angry
Yes there were good times and bad
But its always been angry
If I could take back all of my mistakes I'd leave the ones that led me to the love I found after you
But yet, there was never a world where that love could last as long as you were still here
That's why things fell apart
Isn’t it?


He was an angel, unlike you
Not fallen and bruised, or beaten and torn,
not like me
Maybe that's why my love still came off as angry
His body trembled with every touch, unlike yours that stiffened
Maybe that's why it was easier to love him than you
My imperfections that led me to him, that he loved so much, that you tried to shame me for and changed me because of
Your kind of love made me angry
His kind of love made me soft
Because of you I’ve always been too angry
Because of you I was too quick to do things
I controlled my impulses until I fell too hard in love after you
I controlled myself until I discovered what pure love was
What innocence and acceptance was
When my love wasn’t angry anymore.


So now only his love exists inside of me
Inside of the memories I refuse to burn like the gifts he lit when my love was too poignant and filled the room without forethought and with random desires
Because of the love you gave me that turned me to anger I couldn't love him the right way
I was too happy, I suppose, to recognize that even impulsive love could still be angry to others.


And now, when it's all said and done, after I’ve taken my last breath that would speak to
you, you still scream your anger that you poured into me
The gashes you left on me never existed now that you scream about every scratch I left on you
You still say my touch was poison, you say all I did was forget and destroy but in the same breath you refuse to recognize you made me forget because you did destroy
I loved you and that wasn't ever going to be good enough for you, you used your lips like razors to cut me open and pour your angry love inside me, to infect me
To have loved you
was to have drank poison from the hand of God.


If this is what home is supposed to feel like, then I want to run away from your grasp and into another's
I want to run away from your fresh baked apple pie that only was only ever made to hide the cyanide you were trying to give me
It felt like home with our bodies pressed together, breathing heavily, until you started to breathe a bit too heavily
Until tears started to fall because it was me who was holding you
All my problems unwillingly seeping into you like how bodies seep into each other when we’re desperate for touch,
you decided to keep me from the love that I had left in me, the love that wasn't angry
Because you corroded their minds
You all corroded each other's wits at one single mishap
Kisses and hugs turned to poison and knives in everyones brains
All because of your love that you seeped into me.


Did you know?
That once I was happy in love again that he used to dream of me?
He would try to dream of me
Wrapped in my hoodie as we fell asleep
And in the morning he’d tell of the sweetest dreams he wished upon himself
Dreams of love and kisses.
You never dreamed of me
You only woke up and looked for my hand to break from the fear your nightmares left you in.


Your angry love broke me, and caused me to lose the only love I’ve ever found that wasn't angry
And I wish I could tell you that
But I can't
Because that would prove that my love was never innocent like his
It was always going to be angry.