Like an Open Book

Like an open book

I was only trying to save my works
The ones about the lying
And the things that lurk

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I hear the skittering of those mice
They infest me like lice

Those mice and lice
Are the secrets I hold
All of those words untold

And yet here we are
I feel trapped in tar
Like I just hit a bar

Wrote about courtney
Oh please don’t hurt me
I wrote about Ash

How their words make me feel like trash
I have a huge gash
Cut straight through my heart

Oh where do I even start
They know about Connie
And John’s wife Bonnie

They know about courtney
They know about Madi
And they know about me

Why can’t they see
I named it ‘personal’
For a reason

All of these things have a season
I’m at the end
I’m curving around the bend

She was a God-send
And she can help mend
Me too

But that won’t make me care for you
It’ll be forever until I forgive
How you told Ash why she didn’t want to live

It’s all I can do to hold them in
The tears that threaten to spill down my chin
She is a crook

Can’t she see I’m shook
She took away my safety
Even when she says she’s there

And how she cares
Her aunt doesn’t have gray hair!
My heart is getting torn in two

This I know is true
My brother is laughing
When I told him

He doesn’t have as thin skin
He said, “What’d you expect?”
I won’t forget

Like an open book
I’m still shaking
And my heart, it’s truly breaking

Their actions are making
The rage build up inside of me
I certainly don’t feel very free!

Can I even write anymore
The feel like they threw away the key
And then locked the door

And all of it was for
‘Helping me’
They just spilled the tea

First the tears came
When I heard the words
That she had claim-ed

When she assumed
She was listening to some other tune
She thought I was such a goon

Instead I’m floating up like a ballon
Full of air, now let it out
You popped me, so imma shout

Then the tears turned to rage
As you read each and every page
“When you go into the next grade

That’s where new friends will be made
You’re growing older
And this world is getting colder

You want to change your friend circles yes?”
You’ve only begun to guess
I want to lose my friends?

Like Madi, who will stay ‘til the end
Oh God don’t take me back there again
“You need to be safe online”

Those words aren’t yours they’re mine
Stop trying to figure me out
I’m not your normal kid who’s gunna pout

I have only talked to you twice before
You threw away the key
You locked that door

And now you’re reading all my secrets
All out loud, well, I hope your proud.
You’ve made me cry

I’m counting the seconds until you say “goodbye”
Until you stop talking
Oh thank God, she’s up and walking!

You’re assuming things that I never said
Oh God, I just want to cry in my bed
You don’t know how I think

You don’t know that my life
Is flying for the brink
Off the edge

I’m trapped in this hedge
I’m dangling off of this ledge
UUHGGGG I’m so angry

So just fu-“Ah, Ah, ahaha,
We don’t say that here.
So go on, and please do be a dear

Correct your words before I clear
You off the face of the earth
Before I go and change your birth”

Fine. So just fu-“flip”
Off! What? *cough*
I hate this!

“We all know how hard this
Is for kids.
So we’ll pull your teachers into this”

Oh God no, I say as I sink into the abyss
I keep slipping and tripping on my words
Flip this and just FU-LIP

“You can’t say that dear
Oh no, certainly not here
So you said you’re full of fear

And who is this girl named courteny”
Oh somebody shoot me
“Can Katie please come down to the office”

I wonder why
“You wrote in this poem,
‘Somebody shoot me.’

Do you want to kill yourself
Want to be stuffed and put on a shelf”
Oh my God, I’m about to cry

So many questions that you ask
You are such a pain in the a-Butt
Just shut!

I just wanna die
I wanna cry
Not really die, it’s just a saying

I was just playing
Just joking around
I don’t really want to be put in the ground

If I could fly
I’d go away
Go and hide from the things you say

You try to read me like a book
My name’s gotta be Paul,
Cause your about to maul

Me right here right now
I start to growl
Oh my!

“Okay, let’s give this a try.
You’re worried about your friends

You think that this is the end
That they won’t be back the next day
That’s what you’re trying to say?”

Just show me the door out!
“You say how you scream and shout
But no one hears you, that’s what you wrote.”

I SAID THAT ABOUT GOD
NOW STOP POKING AND PROD-
ING ME LIKE I’M A TOY

Oh boy
My hardened
Diamond and crystallized

Full of rage,
And pent up lies
Brownish green

Glowing eyes
And getting bigger
Making you shiver

My grimaced face
Looking down
Tryina run you out a town

Imma win the fight
So do what’s right
Don’t say things by sight

At least ask for the truth
Instead of shootin me down like booth
Makin me hit the floor

‘Til my eyes can’t see no more
‘Cause the tears are blocking the light
But it isn’t even night

You thought you were so clever
You can’t even read a letter
To a friend, telling her it isn’t the end

And now here you are
Trying to show the world my biggest scar
The one only few know

The one I have tried forever not to show
And here you are
Telling me about the mistakes I make

“You’re worried about school
That’s okay, I’ll give you a pass so you won’t be late
I’ll talk to the teachers about your fate

We’ll come together
And set a date”
Oh great!

The tears keep coming
And my nose is running
My hands and legs are shaking

You’re making
Me pretty mad
And way too sad

Making me think of the things I had
Now I’m skipping school
Because this crap, it isn’t cool

I wait until I’m ready
To spill the beans
When I’ll be able to keep my voice steady

Instead of worrying about those things
We are human beings
We deserve some space

Some privacy
We deserve to be set free
By the truth

But not that way
There’ll be a time and day
When it’ll go away

I can’t change the events of the past
Even if those words made me feel agast
I’ll get through it like I always do

Start anew
But I won’t forget you
It’ll be awhile until I can forgive

But I’ll have to live
Take a few breathes
Throughout this all

I haven’t even asked
What I should do next
I was quick to anger

I said my fair share or harsh words
And the rage is stirring in me
But that’s not what I should do

I should be talking to the Spirit
He was there going through it
But he knows how to aproach it

How to be calm
Listen to some music
Write a poem

Yeah you show ‘em!
It’s all that occupies my head
I can’t even go to bed

All this dread
All this regret
It hasn’t even started yet

All my secrets spilled out
For the world to see
All the times I wasn’t me

I don’t like being open
I don’t like to be read like a book
But I want them to look

At me and see what I think
Because I can’t muster the courage
To tell them

I can’t even tell my closest friends
I’m worried that they’ll leave again
I can’t tell them everything about courtney

But now they have to see
All my private family issues
Venting and opening up to God and myself

I feel like some seashells
Put in a jar
And put up on a shelf

Nice and pretty
Very perfect
A few little bits of sand and dirt

But be careful
I am easily hurt
Drop me once and I shatter

Like a bunch of silverwear
Hear my heart clatter
And my teeth chatter

When I am so angry
And so sad
That I can’t control myself

When anger clouds my judgement
When I won’t stop trying to vent
I feel like a pencil bent too far

I’ll snap one day
I’ve begun to splinter
Sorry you can’t enter

My mind
Even though that’s where you’ll find
That I want people to see

Want them to find me
I want and need, to spill the tea
Because most the time I can’t be

I must end it here
I have shed too many tear-s
So I must say goodbye
Until another time