Dear Vodka

Dear vodka,

When I first met you, I despise you.
Your manipulative nature.
But years have we known each other already.
I have no one else until I met you.
When I look at you with my two eyes,
Why do you seem,
To be devoid of colour ?
I understand why everyone frowns upon you.
They call you toxic.
But I know you. And you know me.

I opened the tip with a sneezy sound,
and poured you into my glass.
I took the first sip.
That sip came with a rush of shiver
As if it smoothened my tongue and nurtured my body.
Filling that absurd gap between the muscles around my throat.
Every time.

Nothing flat, my throat was emptied again.
You tempted me for our next rounds of kisses.
But I so yearned for your care, as did you.
So I opened the cap of your holder again,
The bottle of Smirnoff.
Carried it up,
and shove you down as much as humanly possible,
without my glass,
until you are completely cared by the warmth of my body.

This was how we began our courtship,
You guided towards the void of space.
You rushed to sleep on my heart.

You loved that.
taking control over my whole body, my thought.
You loved travelling with me everywhere.

One time, we were on the street.
A thin air of cloaked existence.
And something was coming towards us.
It was Watsons and Manning rushing to us.
And Welcome and Parknshop scurrying from behind.
I turned around, noticed the old grocery store I used to visit with my sister
Smiling, lightly and calmly at us,
and fading slowly into oblivion.

Another time, we dived into a vacuum of space.
There’s nothing there. Black. Blank.
I was so scared, but you became my spark of light.
So much so I cried on your shoulder.

Until I realised the endlessness of that space was unfathomable.
It was you.
You tricked me, you were that sick ****,
who had played and dumped me?

I couldn’t rein it in.
A rollercoaster of emotions,
A timid undertow of jealousy,
A ferocious flood of anger,
A monstrous ocean of hatred,
were entailed.
All engulfing the only left fragile breadcrumbs of my life.

“I am here to help you stand.” You said.
Ha. Liar.
You left.

But why do you have to leave me.
Am I really so undesirable, unlovable?
I found out you, my dear vodka,
are a deceptive fraud.

And your very conscientiousness is a weak teeny bit of dark “light”,
The burning in my stomach reanimated those nonchalant organs
that sprang from reasonless mating

So,
Nothing!?! After all those years?

I long for attachment, I long for love
I long for a safe house.
Clinginess.

No worldly matters are able to bring about the perpetual loss of entirety.

Everything will fade.
You are the only one who would never go away.

You guided me to smile,
taught me how to kiss,
be brave to stand on the surface world.

I know the truth. I know everything will be upside down. I know I am trash. I know the world is as ugly as it is. And I know myself as more inferior than ever,
uglier than most.

Who am I?

An unnoticed witness.
A forever outsider destined to be excluded, abandoned.

That void you tried to fill, is an endless falling pit of Tartarus.

Everything will fade.
You are the only one who would never go away.

Dear vodka, you were the one.
You were that house.
You were love.
You were everything I desired.
I need nothing more.
Please.
Don’t leave me.

I can suck into that world of emptiness
To find the elixir of life.

Drifting on the reminder of what’s left between
the shattered pieces of memories.

But then,

every morning,

you slip away,

like everything.