Confessions of a Former Fuckgirl

You walk in and scan the crowd.
The vibe is good, the music’s loud.
From his lap, I smile at you.
You wonder, what did she just do?

Guys and girls intermingle,
But surely that one isn’t single.
Eyes meet again, and still I smile.
You grin back. It’s been a while.

He’s with friends, so I find new,
Making sure the best is you.
Sit beside and start to talk,
Line between us drawn of chalk.

Come night’s end we’ve shared a lot,
And so begins our story’s plot,
Destined for a bitter end
As we vow to meet again.

Skip ahead a little bit,
We’ve found we’re a perfect fit.
Nothing’s ever felt much better
Than the time we spend together.

But we know that we’re in deep.
You’re a secret I still keep
From the one I claim to love
But always put myself above.

He’s still there, that noble wall
Of bricks I don’t respect at all.
Stealthily, I slip them out,
Leaving little room for doubt.

I mask deception with a kiss
So ignorance can be his bliss.
If guilt calls, I shove it down.
It’s a game; no need to drown.

You and me, this isn’t wrong.
We’ve been “just friends” all along.
We’ll never cross that chalky line,
Though it’s faded, but that’s fine.

So I proceed with charm and wit
To live the lie, I’m full of shit.
I make you think you matter most,
Knowing soon you’ll be a ghost.

As for you, how do you feel?
You’re alive. It’s been so real.
But there’s one thing in the way
That cuts you deeper every day.

You ask me to make the choice:
Align my feelings with my voice,
And speak the words he needs to hear,
That I no longer hold him dear.

So I stall, not quite ready
To leave the rapids for the eddy
And tell you that you’re just confused,
That I never intend to choose.

I’d rather save that for the end,
When I confirm you’re just a friend,
And that is all you’ll ever be;
I still need him, selfishly.

But you’re proud, so you persist.
Be transparent, you insist.
You need to know just where you stand.
Frustrated, you drop my hand.

Now I know that this is it.
You’ve seen through me, time to quit.
You say you need to sever ties,
Through with all my games and lies.

I have nothing left to say.
I know you’re better off this way.
But as you leave, I start to cry.
You turn around and ask me why

I think that I deserve the right,
When I’ll be fucking him tonight.
Knowing best to say no more,
I watch you go and slam the door.

Now you’re gone, and I am broken
From the truth I left unspoken:
The “friendship” label was a bluff.
I fell for you, just not enough.

But my pain, it shall not last,
For in due time, I will move past
This breakup from what never was,
And find a new you, just because.