“Feminese for Idiots”

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Feminese.

A guide to understanding the female language; written for men (as seen on ESPN).
Chapter one, the five most common misunderstood words, misunderstood by as many as two-thirds.

1.Yes: More often than not means no, sometimes means maybe, and occasionally means yes; on this one I’m afraid you’ll have to guess; however, if it involves the word “dress” the answer, most certainly, almost always is yes. Except when it’s not, 'cause it's not quite a lot, but for now that’s all that this author's got.
2.No: (occasionally pronounced, [get-th uh-HELL-uh-WEY-fruhm-mee]). This one’s not as clear to see as yes can sometimes often be. Refer to Chapter 3: Think Intuitively.
3. Stop, Don’t: Often confused with, "don’t stop." Again, I’m afraid you’re on your own; however, we know it has something to do with her tone.
4.I Love You: This one’s confusing for quite a few, the proper response is,” I love you too.”
5.We Need to Talk: WARNING, run don’t walk and refer to one of the following chapters: Biological Clock, Stumbling block, Sweet talk, or as a last resort, Chapter 5: Child Support.
Author’s note,
To fully decipher Feminese one must understand both Irony and hypocrisy, in reference to feminine linguistic anatomy. Man may never fully understand the feminine cognition; however, there has been huge breakthroughs in the field of presupposition in relation to the feminine’ disposition.
Further reading, “Idiot's Guide to Intuition”

Note, this is in response to the blogs “theme poem challenge” by Didar, to write a funny poem about “intuition”