What He Might Have Been Thinking

Jamie L Brown

I am 31 years old and I currently live in a quiet country town in Southern Maine. I live with my two children and partner in an apartment that is far too small for the four of us but we make due with our love and patience that reaches far in forgiveness for what we consider "the human condition".I was born February 25, 1979 to two parents who had great love for eachother but sadly did not last as my mother passed away at the very young age of 31 from viral heart disease.I always attribute my love of all things existential to this childhood loss; as I was only 7 at the time of her unexpected death.My father remarried when I was 11 to a hardheaded and very controlling woman who brought with her a young vibrant little boy who would become my brother; lucky for him I always begged for a brother as I was 'blessed' with 5 other sisters to compete with. ;]My family was raised in a very religious and { what proved to be for me} smothering organization that go by the name of Jehovah's Witnesses. I knew early on in my life that this was not to be my path, as it was far too stifling for 'my' creative and imaginitive mind that struggled to prevail or evolve behind the constructs of the walls they attempted to hide me behind.It took 10 years for me to truly break away from their attempts at indoctrinating my entire being; and for me to accept that inorder for me to truly breathe I had to leave everything and everyone I knew behind in one giant step that proved to procur my biggest loss overnight. Though I do look back and feel appreciative for the lessons in morality that I still hold close to my heart and live day to day, I feel I quickly reached a plateau in my spiritual evolution behind those doors.I attribute much of my favorite writings to what I now affectionately term "the lost years". It was during those ten years of searching that I used writing as my biggest tool for venting my anger and my pain from the loss of my mother and the eventual decision of my father's; to be 'lost' from me as well.It is certainly far easier to pick from the negativity in one's life to be inspired from; but as I get older I have found that it is far easier to laugh and much less of a challenge to keep loved ones by your side if I learn to take myself less seriously and learn to let things go by recognising my limitaions more quickly than pointing out others.I have two major goal's for my life. The first being that I will have taught my children well enough that they grow to be content, thriving individual's who gleam a healthy measure of happiness from their day to day life to feel more than adequate; and my second is that I will have impressed upon atleast a handful of individual's lives, and have left deep enough of a mark that I will always be remebered.I wish to be remembered for the positive effects I have had on this world, preferably in my writing and in my personal friendships with those I have been priviledged to know and love.I have taken up the challenging task these past couple years to allow myself to be open and exposed just enough to those I have yet had the priviledge to know and opportunity to learn from inorder to make that possible.Therefore I look forward to telling more of my story and hearing more from other likeminded artist's as we continue to journey this ever vast place we dwell in and beside; together. more…

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