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Struggle Inside

I found myself in cave that full of darkness,
My consciousness is blurred, I don't remember who I am.
It has no sense, I am one step from blindness;
Guess I was haunted like a coward lamb.

One question's spinning in my head:
“Do I deserve infernal tortures?”
I don't have any chance to go ahead
To separate my thoughts; presume I need to lure fortune.

My mind is being blown away,
I feel like I'm in deepest slumber
And I can't even try to spray
My anger on the ground of spree like loud thunder.

What's going on? It's like a nightmare:
My eyes are covered by desperate fright
And if I faced the one who made bear all of that, I swear
He'd end up killed, I'd do that fiercely and absolutely clear.

I'm scared of my own thoughts,
Maybe I'm serial killer ever since
Who has been caught and taught
To murder folk without someone's hints.

But possibly I'm just a sacrifice
That got involved in cruel games.
Then I would pray for hangman to be nice
Or for the whole world to blaze.

Oh, no, this option hurts;
I'm pretty sure I'm delirious
And my subconsciousness just flirts
With me thinking that cat-and-mouse game to be hilarious.

But if I'm wrong and all of that is real,
I will control myself no longer.
I won't tread water and possibly will steal
The life of villain so that his pain is going to get much stronger.

I'd break his spine with loud crack
And watch him yell like new born baby.
Otherwise I'd feed on him by using as a between-meal snack
And dump remains of vicious flesh in canyon maybe.

What's happening to me? I can't explain.
It's me, but in another blink precisely not.
“How come I'm monster now?” I complain;
That struggle's futile, but every time I give it one more shot.

That's not I wanted, that's a curse,
I'm doomed to be excruciated ever.
Why in the world have I to be much worse
That I was so far; strange ties I got to sever.

I had a sense that I am sun
Which give a light to all around
And suddenly insidious eclipse has come
Concealing under hollow mask
its nature of a black hell-hound.

I need to get pulled out of
The Serpent's hugs that hold me as in vise.
My power is dying down,
I'm sucking life out of
Love that at the drop of a hat turns into piece of ice.

Seems like I clutch at saving edge
And crawl through grim, blood-curdling tunnel.
I see no exit, what a savage
Crucifixion resembling me an endless horror journal.

I'm used to thought that I will perish
Like fish that's flung on shore by tide.
Have sense I was invited to the marriage
Of Satan and a fallen angel; guess it'll be eternal fight.

I have been looking for survival,
But where's a hope in devastating flame.
Perhaps attempts I do are highly trivial
And I have nobody, but myself to blame.

Suppose I'm wandering in desert all alone,
Exhausted by that deadly land.
Upcoming plot of water makes me moan,
But in that hell illusion gets my new best friend.

Wild piercing stare's in my eyes
And I'm about to rush at someone now
Like snake would do at sight of mice.
It's actually difficult to save the vow.

I'm monster. Unfortunately yes, it is.
How did that happen? How?
If I could only take a hold and freeze
The time, escape without saying ciao,

It's possible I got injection
Of lethal liquid straight in my bloodstream.
I can imagine that syringe; terrific action –
A sharpest needle sticks into my skin.

Think I could get a bite as well,
Writhe bleeding, tolerate a spasm of agony.
Beast probably was stoned from my smell
And made attack being tired of mediocrity.

Conceivably I might get cursed
By old malicious crazy witch.
She did some spell and watched me burst
Into sharp pain; I'm going under inch by inch.

Myriads of devilish lips
Cover my body with burning kisses.
Feels like I took some unintended mortal sips –
Black power is hurting me and seizes.

I'm losing track of time, it's over;
Sink down into intimidating whirl
Descending lower and lower.
Think I'm the only one in tiny world.

Some memories are floating in my mind,
They just appeared from nowhere
A lot of pictures, but stop – it's her I got to find.
Looks like I slowly climb out of despair.

Remember those full of tears smokey eyes,
Her gentle hands upon my face.
Then total darkness; turns out fascinating sunrise
Immersed our love in timeless haze.

I'm all confused, but still alive;
Salt drops fall down on the ground.
Assassin's gene runs out of my blood, it's love
That's used to get us utterly spellbound.

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Submitted on October 09, 2013

4:20 min read

Den Khaustov Claim this poet

creative and elaborate person with avalanche of tangled thoughts roaming in the head that can unexpectedly align and pour out on a paper, forming a new piece of art more…

All Den Khaustov poems | Den Khaustov Books

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    "Struggle Inside" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 18 Sep. 2021. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/85259/struggle-inside>.

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