No story just ventin, Please Listen

I hate the person ive grown up to be, but sh*t, i dont even remember who i use to be. So much Drugs, alcohol, failure and jealousy im just use to these. I dont remember changing, i guess ive just slowly grown into myself, a little boy in a mans world begging for help, but only on the inside cause on the outside i wont show it, im always depressed i just dont want my friends to know it so i smile big and tell my family and friends that life is going great, when really sometimes being alive is something that i hate. But i have no one to blame but the man in the mirror maybe if i wiped away these tears i could see much clearer, such a sketchy reflection, lost in this world with no direction, maybe my faith is too question, but how can i say that, when everyday is such a beautiful blessing. Maybe i lost myself when i lost her affection, she was my blanket of security, my protection, contributed to the growth of my maturity and taught me so many lessons. But we just didnt make it, im still in love with a girl i never f*ck*d or dated, shes the reason why im always getting faded and i f*ck*ng hate it, i hate me, i hate drinking and i hate weed, but those two together keep me pain free, i know im no longer the same me, and trust me i never point fingers, i fully blame me, all my problems are self inflicted i love f*ck*ng up i think im addicted, to making mistakes and bad decisions that all come from stupidity with good intentions, My parents taught me everything i needed to know, i just failed to listen. Now im home all alone ventin cause im still reminscin matters of the past, i hate the present i just wanna throw it in the trash go back to when it was just happiness and laughs, arts and crafts, coming home to mom and dad, saying things like gnarly and rad, god just give me one wish i'd bring my whole childhood back. Back to when sex didnt matter and love wasnt a factor, when we all aspired to be rockstars or actors and the only thing we ever got from girls was kisses and hugs, nowadays our fun just consists of drinking and drugs, some of our bestfriends turned into gangbangers n' thugs, we went from wondering whats for lunch to wondering who she f*ck*d, But this is life its part of growing up. And this is me, im just so good at f*ck*ng up, d*mn, i fell in love with a girl whos a heart belonged to another man, i lost her then lost sight of who i really am, sometimes i look in the mirror and i just hate that f*ck*ng man, got d*mn but maybe it just wasnt our season, maybe love just isnt something to believe in, but one thing i was taught is that everything happens for a reason, but thats the stupidest sh*t ive ever heard in my life, if everything happens for a reason why do innocent people lose there life, why do good people die, a debate isnt what im startin, but tell me why they shot down trayvon martin, Why the f*ck should i believe everything happens for a reason, you wasnt at that hospital when my grandmother stopped breathing, but d*mn, i wasnt there either, my momma told me the news and i just couldnt believe her. I never got to say goodbye, or tell her i love her, all i got to say was i miss you, and i wish you were here with me today, but your not and as a result of that im getting stronger and smarter everyday, and to those who took the time out of there day to listen to me complain, thank you for listening to what i have to say.