Intrusive thoughts

INTRUSIVE
Before I wake up, I decide what type of day I am going to have.
My eyes open, I pull the covers above my head, knowing I am going to be sad.
Not being able to fall asleep, I drag myself to the kitchen to get a bottle of water.
I take my medication, avoid my vitamins, I walk back to bed which is forever.
Sometimes like Saturday, I was happy to wake up filled with energy.
Went for a ride in my Explore and everything I seen was with clarity.
I was in the store and a wave of loneliness engulfed me.
I text someone, too connect to someone without seeing.
Thoughts of why are you even in this store?
You don't have anyone in your life to love anymore!
I stepped outside for a moment.
The world stopped too, everything went dormant.
I took a deep breath and exhaled real slow.
I was scared, I have nowhere to go.
I looked at my messages, and someone sent me a text back.
I felt connected again, and my upbeat mood became stacked, no need for Jack.
Then the intrusive thoughts reentered my head, you're worthless.
You are a disgrace, weak, no one to anyone, and you're selfish.
Where in the hell did those thoughts come from?
I know I am not the brightest bulb nor the sharpest tool in any ones shed, but somewhere, somehow, I helped someone.
I then began grooming my old behaviors of stealing.
Old tapes played, out of nowhere, the old tape is reeling.
Stop. Stop, Stop, I have control of my behaviors.
I have to accept some people do care about me, this I need to savoir.
INTUSION IS IT AN ILLUSION!!!!
Deb Borrie
11/21/2010