Daddy- A Poem for the absent father

Can I ask what you were thinking
That day when I was conceived
Was there any thought in your mind
Of all the things I would need
Did you wonder if you were good enough
If you had the strength to endure
If you had the courage to stand
How did it feel to walk out that door
My first memory is of my mom
Going out to work each day
I remember her crying some nights
Trying to figure out which bill to pay
I remember her struggling to give me food
Hardly eating so that I would have
I would lie in my bed and wonder
How you felt to know that I lived
How you lived with yourself for leaving me
And if Id ever have the strength to forgive
So many milestones have come and gone
Your time with us was fleeting
I remember how you would come around
And never seem to see me
You watched me grow up through the pictures I took
The candid photos we took at school
How you always called me little man
And how I used to think that was cool
I used to think you walked on water
Maybe my mom ran you away
I used to pray for you each night
And beg God to let you stay
But it never happened
Youd always leave
And break my heart
And my trust
It took me years to realize that you do not belong
On the pedestal I put up
I have molded myself into a man of purpose
With God driving my life
I have grown into a man of substance
Without you in my life
I do not hate you or dislike you
Please dont misunderstand
I just mold myself on all your opposites
To make myself a real man