The Interloper

The Honourable TORYPHAT addressed the meeting: 'Hem!
(Prolonged applause.) Ah - Mistah Chairman, gentlemen. To stem
The tide of Socialism - rabid Socialism, sir
Which threatens to engulf us, hez - ah - always been - um - er
Hez always been ouah object in the past, and Ai may say,
We hev succeeded, somewhat, in - er - standing in the way.
We hev been firm, sir, in the past, and fought without - ah - feah
Foah the Empiah and the - ah - the uppah classes, sir. (Heah. heah.)

In ouah endeavahs to - um - ah - promote the public good
It hez always been - that is to say - been - ah - been understood.
Bai the people - bai the - um - ha - people, sir, of this - er - land
That we and the Empiah, so to speak, are hand in hand.
The British - er - authorities, at all times, hev been glad
To listen - ah - to any - er - suggestions thet we had.
We hev been the Empiah's mouthplece, in - ah - this benighted land,
And hitherto the Empiah was the - aw - best card in ouah hand.

The word 'Imperial' is, Ai maintain, sir, ouahs bai raight;
It hez been ouah battle-cry in the - ah - forefront of the faight.
And, hitherto, the pahs at Home weah quick to recognise
Ouah undoubted raight to use it in refuting Labah lies.
At Empiah celebrations we hev been the leading ones
In saluting the - aw - flag, sir, and distributing - ah - buns.
And all raight-thinking persons who - ah - who support ouah cause
Will agree that we alone - er - stand for 'Empiah.'.. (Loud applause.)

But now what do we faind, sir? Mistah Chairman, Ai'm dismayed!
It would seem that ouah - ah - trust in the - ah - pahs has been betrayed.
For they hev - aw - confided, with regard to woah and loans,
In this common Labah person named - ah - named - ah - FISAH. (Groans.)
They've actu'ly consulted him and - aw - and made a fuss;
They've told him - er - State secrets, sir, which they withhold from us !
Things that concern ouah Empiah, sir! Ai - (splutter) - Ai PROTEST!
They hev no raight to trust this PEARCE and FISHAH and the rest!

Who is he? Ai repeat, sir - ah - who is this fellow? (Jeers.)
He's gone to see the crowning of ouah gracious Soveriegn. (Cheers.)
But why, sir? Mistah Chairman, Ai repeat the question - Why?
He's gine in the ecapacity of - er - a Labah spy!
He's gone to worm out secrets, sir - State secrets, which he seeks
To use against ouah party, sir, when he returns. (Loud shrieks.)
He hopes to use his knowledge to upset our cherished schemes.
And oust us from ouah office as Empiah's champions! (Screams.)

And, Ai repeat, who is he sir - this meddling FISHAH? (Hoots.)
A minah, sir! (Intense digust.) Not fit to black ouah boots!
A common minah! And foah him the pahs have passed us by!
But Ai defy the pahs, sir! Ai repeat it, Ai defy
The pahs at Home! (Commotion.) Sir! Ai'll not stand such disgrace!
This man will not usurp ouah raights, and drag us from ouah place!
Ai'll lead a revolution, sir! Blood, sir! Ai'll rend to bits,
THE SILKEN BONDS OF EMPIAH, SIR! (Sensation.) DEM IT!!! (Fits.)