Familiar Room

Familiar Room    

I’m back in my familiar room
Where I sit at my desk, as a weaver would a loom
There’s books on the bookcase and schoolbooks on windowsills
An unmade bed, a few photos, stills
Of the life I led, here and not
Sometimes I reckon they’re all I’ve got.

Months and months I’ve had to go without
Been left to stew in my own fears and doubt
My friends, my boyfriend, disappeared for ages
Yet still I burn through pages and pages
I’m writing and reading, my wrists hurt, but I
Continue on with school, and never bat an eye

When people stopped picking up the phone
The first few seeds of doubt were sown
I keep working, burying myself in paper and ink
If I keep going, I don’t have to think
About my exam choices, or how I can’t concentrate
Or how my sister always makes me late

I take a deep breath. I’m still at my desk
I almost never allow myself to rest
A tug on my shoulder, I turn around
From her lips spills a familiar sound
‘Do this,’ or ‘do that,’ nevermind the fact
That I’m working or writing, my façade starts to crack

I do it, as always, whatever she wants
Though I know by now I won’t get a response
I return to my laptop, my freedom and chains
A sluggish exhaustion corrupting my veins
My eyelids are drooping, it's only afternoon
My will ought to crack, it’ll be now or soon

I can’t keep going, I won’t do this forever
I remind myself, and they think that I’m clever
I do all the work, I complete every task
When I go to the shop, I wear a bloody mask
I take a walk, I step away from the screen
But every time, I’m drawn back, after it’s only been

A few seconds, minutes, perhaps an hour or two
If I work to the bone, they’ll see me and you
They’ll read my work, they’ll care a little
And everyday my will grows even more brittle
I keep going though, there’s no going back
Slowly my world fades to black

There’s nobody left now. Nobody who
Would care if I threw
It all out the window, who cares anyway?
Homeschool is hell, at the end of the day
And yet I continue, my fingers dance
Along the keyboard - I’m on my last chance.