Grief

~Welcome Speech~
Pleasure to see you all, sorry I am so sad,
I recently had part of my heart ripped out, and the wound is really bad.
It seems to be healing, as they tend to do,
a little bit jagged and not all the way through.
The center is fresh and tender. Just like it was that day.
It feels like it's been put in a blender. Much to my dismay.
It's been only two weeks, but still that's way too long.
Right now I am a solid puddle, hovering above the ground.
Given the circumstances I think I'm doing well.
If you didn't know me before you might not even tell.
That underneath this little smile is a really big ass frown.
Keep your chin up and help others too.
Each day I wake up and muddle my way through Another set of challenges and still missing you.
Then something will happen and the solidness will melt,
The mess on the floor is me crying out for help.
Shoulders shaking, body rocking,
balling all my tears,
Then as quickly as it started , suddenly, I am done.
I pull myself together and straighten myself out,
add the smile and set on out and about.
Strangers who see it look at me with confusion,
I smile and say it was only an illusion.
Loved ones who see, come and lend sympathy.
Since they know that's what I need.
Not pity or platitudes nor stories without end.
But love and support and understanding, to begin.
So thank you all for coming my family and my friend.

~Poem~
I thought I knew what pain was. I was wrong.
I thought she'd live much longer. I was wrong.
The phone call came as quite a shock. She's gone. The crying voice just blurted out, she's gone.
I fell to the floor, wait... what had he said?
He repeated again, Heaven is dead.
This time I had heard quite clearly, my mouth gaped open wide, my eyes got all blurry and the sound that was building was just short of fury...
It's a good thing I was already down, for I think I would have collapsed.
I must be cautious and strong or I might find I have relapsed... into ways of thinking that don't do me any good.
But I am fantastic at rationalization and think I am just misunderstood.
Heaven has gone on a journey, an adventure far from home.
I hope she meets up with grandma because she didn't want to be alone.
I think she thought we'd wish her well, while she was off to this distant land.
I think she thought we would all, understand.
             
I saw my baby lying there
A frown upon her face
I wanted only to hold her
And save her from this fate
But it dawned on me
She wanted this
This exit, this great escape
She asked me just that day
How she could get away
From someone you hurt her,
But was supposed to love her
My suggestions made her feel
That her world had come undone
So be hurt or be alone?
That is the last thing she texted to me
I'll be saying I'm sorry for eternity
If I had any idea, an inkling, a clue
I would have driven down there
and figured out what to do
She would still be here
And I wouldn't be so blue
Did the voices tell her to do this? The drugs? Who knew...
I wish I had more answers than questions,
I wish I knew what to do... with this anger and this sorrow
The memories and thoughts about tomorrow
Each time I think I got it under control, a wave of emotion knocks me down
I'm worried I will never, lose this deeply set frown
Yet every day a new day will dawn
So every day I must learn to carry on.

        ~Melanie