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As I stand before the mountain of confidence called hope, I see a clear path up, not too steep, not too straight, but this path is embodied with rewards to the top.
At the top, there is a magnificent tree made of gold, silver leaves and Copper roots. Hope mountain held a perfect prize awaiting me, a tree called faith.
This sight to behold was everything I wanted, everything before me was so clear, but at the bottom where I was, there was a River.
This River was called Shame.
The river was filthy, the water was calm where I was, but looking downstream I could see the rapids of rage, the ripples of conditioning before the raging rapids were inviting.
The dreary stonewalling fortification on the banks allowed no light through, downstream was scary and looked impossible, why would I go that way? why even look?
I looked upstream and saw a blinding light, what could this be? I was so curious so I waited.
Two days later the light took shape, as it came closer I could finally see, I could see a lifeboat with a caring nurturing beautiful woman.
As this beautiful woman came closer, I could see the river was being supplied by this woman, I could see she was the source.
The river of Shame was being fed by this woman, this filth in front of me was coming from her, but the beauty was something I've never seen, this beauty had me curious.
This beauty made me forget of the supply to the river.
What I saw wasn't real all the sudden, what I believed was real.
She came close enough for my heart to be heard, since she had no heart she was envious, she hated what others admired.
She wanted my heart, so she used her falsehood love bombing to create one, dreamingly admiring the mountain, we were planning different paths right then.
As I stared at the tree of Faith up top of hope mountain, I didn't notice the river was rising, as the waters now covered my feet, I didn't notice she also took a piece of my heart to claim as her own.
She used toxic gas and light to create a projection that this heart was hers to give me.
I didn't know any better so I accepted this ambient abused heart, this unfelt abuse gave me amnesia, this hidden poison of my cognitive dissonance gave her all of me.
Since she had nothing and that's what she craves, I had everything so she then enslaves.
I forget about the mountain with the tree even being there. I forgot I was here.
Her lifeboat was awkward, it was shaky,
it has imperfections, it has holes,
her lifeboat is sinking,
her heart is missing.
my knightly kind hearted empathy,
my buffering and nurturing sympathy pick this beautiful woman up because of her idealization of me.
I can clean this insidious gem because she makes me believe, but through the veil I cannot see.
I throw her over my shoulder to carry all her weight, it's hard to move, hard to breathe, building a new boat was extremely hard, carrying her pain was extremely hard.
Everyone thought it was impossible to do it, my shear will power to commit thrust one foot in front of the other, I just didn't know that going downstream was impossible.
What about the mountain?
I couldn't remember from the amnesia, the dark night blinded my sight of the mountain, the drug in me was you and it consumed, i fell in love with misery and misery loves it's companies.
I stared the snake behind the veil in the eyes, standing tall on her pedastool made of spackle it breaks, I fall onto piercing confusion, I pull out shrapnel's of dissolution, I'm covered in her blood of invalidation.
I'm already floating in the boat with her, this wasn't my plan, this wasn't my reality.
I gaze upon this woman, sun shining behind her, no clouds in the sky.
floating downstream she tells me it's faster, that we'll end up behind the mountain higher.
I'm not worried now, I'm happy now.
I already forgot reality, I already forgot im going downstream, I forgot the searing pain, I forgot what I believe.
I'm relaxed, I'm tired, I'm happy.
As we drift slowly through the stonewalls, no light shines through, I ask her for assurance, it's getting dark, I'm getting scared.
That's when the veil comes off, that's when the unnatural beauty grows quiet, that's when my voice screams silently within these stone walls.
This isn't her, this isn't real,
I know there's love I can feel, that was our bond, that was our deal.
I fall over board, the water is cold, there's leaches, the debris is so random, the shameful water is moving faster, the all consuming cold confusion, random gaslighting and triangulations moving in around me faster.
I immediately can't bear it. My heart pulsates hard, my mind misfires my flight mode, i cannot intake the overbearingly unowned toxic Shame.
luckily she had my leg, luckily she knew excessive admiration CPR, just as my body went limp in the agonizing River of Shame, she pulls me out. luckily she got me just in time, luckily she saved my life.
I awake away from the stonewalls, it's sunny and safe again, we're together through impossible odds, we built this boat and she saved my life.
The abuse amnesia made me forget, the cognitive dissonance was real, I am not.
The mountain was now farther away, I was worried, I grew fearful, what I wanted looked farther away, that's when everything became gloomy, my goal was no longer there, but she didn't care, she knew where the river went, I believed her, I still do.
The ambient abuse made me anxious, the atmosphere was maddening of fear, it carried anxiety, I couldn't see it, but I was breathing it in.
Her eyes were so incapacitating, her heart disorienting, her soul captivating, she had a better plan, for us to press on and build another boat, to add another life, to believe in her, to not stare at the knife.
We build another boat, were out of the shame waters finally, she's helping me, were soon to be a real family.
Everything is better on the land, were dry, it's sunny, it's better to feel the sand.
I now believe in this new mountain downstream, I don't even remember the mountain I seen, were pressing on downstream past a levy, were now in the River of Grief.
This river is really turbulent with rapids of devaluation, the splashes make me irrelevant, the dinigrating actions around me make me small, I feel lost, nothing makes sense anymore.
At the mouth of the River of Grief it opens up into a valley. This throws me out head first, but luckily I have our seed safe and sound.
I turn around falling and see her at the top staring down, she smirked and throws enormously heavy anvils of bereavement to keep me down longer.
Evil is real, but only if you believe, I crave the flattery of illusionary love, I still had amnesia, I love misery, the feeling reminds me I can feel, love is death so I say I'll find you, I have the seed, I'll wait for you.
As I fall the thorns of premeditation pierce, the pain is searing, as I fall i'm locked on her, my falsehood of love is still enduring, I don't feel the discard, the distaste.
I land in a field hopium still protecting the seed, my amnesia is now worse, I can't remember her smirk, I can't remember the anvils of bereavement, I can't remember the mountain. My movement is heavy, my heart sits down my feet, my mind is nowhere to be found, my spirit fading.
I gather everyone from a nearby village to find her, it's impossible, they can't see her, she never existed, my amnesia was now delusional, the hopium mixed realities, nothing was real, there was nothing I could feel right because everything was wrong, but misery needs me and I believe.
I say she's at the top, we have to throw her a rope, they say it won't reach what isn't there,
I say we need a ladder to throw the rope, they say the ladder isn't safe that high,
I say everyone can hold the ladder while I climb perilously to the top, they say it won't work,
but since they can see me, since they see part of me is real, everyone holds the ladder while I acend with my broken dignity, I acend with a fatigued heart, I acend to find what I believe, no matter how hard I try, I will now take my decent.
The top of the ladder is shaky, I spent forever getting there, it's scary, the heights bring great fear over me, more than I've ever felt, but my knighthood makes me overcome anything.
I suppress, the seed is safe down below, I'm here to impress, I can see her now, only much less.
Her snake skin is peeling, the sun scorched blistering skin shows immense pain, witnessing this releases empathy, the caring knighthood in me naturally wanted to save her, so I wrap what's left of my discarded soul upon my broken fatigued heart and I use my trauma bonded mind as bait.
I throw her the rope, she catches the rope, I tell her to tie off the rope, she ties a noose with the rope, her neck is now wrapped with this rope, if she falls I can't stop the tightening of the rope, if she falls I already know I'll jump for her and release from her neck this rope.
We jump together and I release the rope around her neck, I see the ground coming fast, but I love this snake, I'll die for this snake because I believe, false beauty inside is all I see.
I grab her and turn her away from the rushing ground, I fell once, I can take the fall again.
she is already hurt, immense pain, she will not feel no more pain, because I'm not hurting for I'm with misery again, I believe I can take all the pain for her, the hopium was numbing everything I gave her.
I awoke to a distressed angel, flawed personality, beautiful nightmare, mirroring the devil, but what I saw was a veil over the snake eyes, what I saw was what I believed before.
What I had wasn't real, who I am is no longer there, for I had ambience amnesia, nothing around me fit, nothing around me was grounded, nothing around me was divine.
The eyes that gazed upon me were captivating, spriling, time froze and only she was moving, the feeling was there, a drug within me, the drug was her and I longed for the misery, I yearned for the pain to remember what was real, I needed the intermittent reinforcement, I wanted my all bets in investment back. I risked a short sale.
We faded into the black, into a new boat, she made this boat, she had plugs in holes of the boat I couldn't see, I believed it was perfect, I didn't know what awaited was a life long anguish.
I still didn't know what was downstream is impossible, I didn't know this new River of Anguish has piranhas of triangulation, I didn't know the rapids were of oppression, I didn't know the rocks causing these rapids she already put in place, I didn't know it was so black around me in this place, I didn't know my seed would become two, I didn't know I would have to choose.
I didn't know true love was in front of me in my hands and not behind the veil, I thought it was her, all the villagers knew, but as I drew closer to the snake the darkness only grew.
The feeling of my lingering mortality reverberates, she built me a coffin and chained it to my ankles, with this immense weight, I carry it with me just in case.
We floated very fast down this River of Anguish, everything seemed fine to all others including me, the darkened skies covered the evil, the cold waters made my body numb, the seeds were held up high to be be safe from the tormenting waters.
As I held them up high, I didn't realize she was holding a schraded butcher knife in the water, I didn't believe she would hurt me, I didn't conceive the possibility that knife I didn't see was there all along for me.
The waters of Anguish smothered me, the triangulating piranhas slowly nibbled on my feet in the water, the rapids of oppression kept me gazing in the water, the rocks of malice in the water tried to tip me over, but my balance was true and the seeds were safe from harm, but I am not safe, I'm dying inside.
I don't know why, but after every agonizing stab from this knife when I'm not looking, it hurts, but the numbing knife only helped me when it was pulled out, it has holes in it so she could pull it out without me knowing.
I always turned around and cleaned the knife covered in my blood, I always gave it back to her, but every wipe upon this blade made it grow, and every wipe made the label on the handle more clear.
I find out in the end this knife is called narcissistic rage, the brand of knife is called gaslighting, and my blood is the supply.
I didn't know any of this until it was too late to save myself, my reality wasn't real, my dreams are gone, my nightmare is all consuming and existent, my seeds are still safe, but I am not.
When I start to notice the knife exists, I forgive her, the conditioning made the skies darker, I wipe the blood off and give it back, the knife is now a sword, it's name is discard.
The waters are uneven, the rocks of triangulation feel like strangulation, my clothes are still soaking wet with anguish, my hair is slimy and covered in Shame, my feet are cold and numb from the grief,
I can't understand why I'm here,
I can't understand why I'm actually meant to be here.
Every turbulence has thrown me down, she pushes me over head first, as I try to lean up to breathe she has her foot on my neck in the cold numbing river, but this river does not affect her, this river is warmer than her, the warmth from anguish pleased her, the piranhas followed her commands to bite, she smirked as the rocks she placed crushed against my head.
She waited until I went limp every time, but she knew idealization CPR, her deceit was without compassion, her rage was without sympathy, but I had ambience amnesia, I couldn't remember the mountain.
I only saw her veil, her gaze convinced me I placed these rocks here, her gaze made me ignore the stonewalls around me, her pure hated was covered in false intentions, her illusion was my isolation.
As everything was becoming clearly dangerous, as everything became dark, I look back and see the light from the mountain shining, I see there is something wrong where I'm at, I see the seeds are not growing, I start to see the pain all around me.
Non the wiser, I keep coming back from drowning, I keep falling for misery, I keep wiping my blood off the blade, I keep isolated, but now I feel there is something painfully wrong, the reason abates me but I feel it, it hurts, it covers deceit, it's all in my head, my coffin is soon to be my bed.
I look to the shores, there are other villagers worried, they are waving frantically, they're pointing at a waterfall ahead, this waterfall is called Doom, this fall would be death, the sound is raging, the mouth all consuming.
I see the stream to the side that everyone is pointing to, I see the calm waters awaiting our safety, the boat will not fit.
Only me and the seeds are real, everything else around me is illusional, the trauma delusional, the possible harm to the seeds was not refutable, my love for misery was unsuitable, I could see my life was in danger, I could see the stream nearby screaming safety, I knew the seeds needed me.
Without her knowing what I was doing, I turned my back towards her facing the water, I knew she was going to stab me over and over again until I turned around, but the safety of the stream for my seeds was a new found glory in my exodus.
I paddled this large boat towards the stream, her knife was venomous, the water was echoless, the air imparted dreadfulness, all of this was dimensionless, all of this was not real, unless I let it be, now I can see.
As I came closer to the stream the waterfall grew stronger, the pain larger, the sound louder, I knew we were closer to the end, I knew I needed to jump off with my seeds, I knew the torment will end and I perfected my enduring pain inside to molten lava to mold anew.
I had a vision that if I jump, the seeds will be safe, the climb to the mountain can still happen, I knew I was right about how I felt all along, I realized the veil couldn't cover the true self, I now believed In me, I now know the water air and land were not what she made me believe, I knew I didn't choose this path, I knew I could survive, I know the seeds are going to be safe now.
Once close enough I finally looked at her and smiled I love you, jumping into the river I could feel the bitter cold agonizing tormenting river smash me with bereavement and disillusion by dissociation, I felt the coma of trauma surround.
I hold my seeds up high, I kept them safe because they don't feel the water, they're starting to sprout already, no more decay.
As I climb out of the frigid waters and still dripping wet, the drops are red, my feeling is coming back, my back is full of knives, I'm scared but I survived.
Knowing the worst is over I look back to her, she is consuming the river because she was the source, everything dark folds in for the light cannot touch here, for this black hole is collapsing in on itself, I cover the seeds to shield them of this exorcist, they're safe here because my love is relentless.
The tormenting pain makes it hard to stand tall, still going through bereavement of a false reality where I lost it all, the answers we're lost in the waterfall
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