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There is an uncomfortable surfacing of darkness when I think of you
Breaking through the shallows into a present mirage of sunshine.
Trials that left me wounded and empty.
Visons of you are so vividly etched in my mind,
like the engraved patterns of sulci in my brain.
Marks where your hands did not leave bruises,
But a tortuous imprint of your presence.
Fingers sliding along the underwire of my bra,
Resting on the skin over my heart.
It grips down hard and will not let go.
You did not want me to babysit your little sister,
You did not need to talk about homework.
It was a game of cat and mouse and foolishly I followed.
To think you actually cared for me, ha!
Such ignorant stupidity
My best friend was your main source of love,
Which made me jealous and green.
It is true fantasies of us filled my dreams,
Muddy dog walks filled with overpriced frothy cappuccino’s and school gossip,
Chocolate sprinkles masking the bitterness of youth.
But when you moved into my bed and lay with me like you did her
I moved your hands from my waist.
And when you touched me like you touched her
Hands slipping past the elastic pink trim of my pants.
My fantasies did not give you permission to continue.
You pulled my bony hips closer and pushed it up against me.
And the more I resisted the more you grew in strength,
Like a boy seizing his rightful place in a man’s world.
A rite of passage for you to decide what I need, what I want.
No, what I wanted was not this.
Now my lovers gentle and wholly loving advances remind me of you.
I have not talked to my best friend in a decade because of you.
I drown in the guilt of my feeble weakness against you.
I do not believe I deserve the morsels on my fork after you.
Why did you decide my fate for me?
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