Why Are You Sad?

“Why are you sad?” They ask, “Did something happen?” I’m staring ahead again. I zone back in to their concerned faces. “Oh no I’m fine” I say. But I don’t smile. I’m too tired to smile. They take it as an excuse or an answer of the opposite. “But are you really okay?”

I realize they won't give up until I smile. They won’t believe me until I smile. Until I laugh and say “I've actually been turned into a vampire” and make a silly face and act childish again. Until I put on that reassuring grin, the one that I’ve perfected, and tell them “yes, really I’m ok”.

I've worn the mask for too long, the one with the curved up lips and the laughing attitude that doesn’t care about anything but jokes. I've worn it for so long it has started to become my skin. I've perfected the makeup I wear everyday to make it look realistic. I look sick without it. Sad. Wrong.

The people I know have become accustomed to it. Isn’t that what i wanted when i made it? For it to eventually sink in, for my skin to grow over it. But it hasn’t. Instead my regular face underneath looks worse and dull in comparison. A fluorescent light against the sun.

I've learned to hate it. It contorts my face so much that it hurts. My muscles are stretched and they just want to rest. But I put it on anyway. It’s better than letting people down and getting stopped all day. Better than letting down the image. Than actually showing what i feel and not acting, pretending.

It started sticking when I try to take it off. It’s become what people think is my normal. But i am fine. I just don't feel like smiling. I’m not sad. You think I am because I won't let you see my neutral.

It has taken so long for me to finally take it off. For me to accept my own face in the mirror. The mask has been here so long. I used to be able to keep going. Keep acting. Smile more. Put that mask on.
 
I don't know what changed but i can't make myself power through anymore. My face hurts when I smile. But when I don't, they ask “Why are you sad?”