I Belong Here

Yahuah, please guide me
Too many times the devil has tried me
Sometimes I feel your spirit inside of me
Ever since I was a baby, it flump
Butterflies in my belly,
throat becomes lumped
I showed you my sin and you showed me your forgiveness
I showed you my pride and you stood by my side
I showed you I was everything you aren't and you still didn't leave
Why is it Yah, that you keep loving me?
You could have left and you could have given up on me
I tried so hard to be everything you created me to be
And I just kept falling and tripping and stumbling
And the voices of my depression just keeps mumbling
Having everything taken from me is humbling
But they could take away all they want
But they will never take away my faith
Someday I will be knock-knock-knocking on those heaven gates
And when I see Yahuah face to face,
This is what I'm gonna say
"I belong here" and it's funny
Because that won't be the first time he’s heard it
From my lips when I pray,
This is how I'd word it
"God I don't wanna be here anymore, I'm tired of this place"
My prayer will be a little different on
That final day because I'll look at him and say
"I want to be up there and I belong there."
Happiness of getting let into heaven will lead me to joyful tears
No longer imprisoned in my paranoia,
I’ve finally finished my years
What if God says no to me?
And at that moment unknowingly
That there Is nothing that I would want to do differently
Because he could put me in a
Another body, and send me on a million missions
And I'd still find a way to make the best out of my reincarnated life
I’d go to the ocean and see the stars
It’s nice to know that Yah is up there keeping my life all right
Even when I am not feeling alright
That’s why I write these poems, alright
I'm done with the lies like I am alright, but I'm not
These clouds just hover over my head like chandeliers
I see the light enlightening and I know God's near
But some times the switch just gets
Shut off and I am thrown into the black
I'll tell everyone I’m not leaving and I will be right back
But sometimes I don't ever plan on ever returning
I would have killed myself if I wasn't afraid of disappointing
Cause what about my mother and what about my siblings?
Nothing makes sense to me when my minds not right
I was suicidal and dangerous all wrapped up in one
Bipolar mania, picking between razor, rope, and gun
I can't remember the last time I had fun
Whatever happiness everyone else has please give me some
I asked the doctor for happiness and he gave me more pills to make me numb
I looked through those pill bottles but didn't take any
But pills upon pills, the doctors gave me plenty
Pills to go to sleep and pills to wake up,
The effects were exhausting so I didn’t take much
Running out of the pills before my next re-up
And then go outside where people gas me up
And normally when they gas me up,
They expect me to feel better
But I never do, and I don't expect a call
Yah help me when I’m wounded
That's why when I write this poetry so many
Read it because they've been saved when they were hurt too
So they relate to me and I relate to them
But the worst thing I’ve ever done
Is tie a noose around my neck because of what people put me through
But I’m gonna get through this, I’m going to live
Yah didn't hurt me, people did