Living In Hell

I tried to sleep but my mind is always racing
So I stay up and I start writing
I wish I never had depression
Man that really would be amazing
But I can’t seem to find the way out of mine
Even when I’ve tried praying
Yeah I walk around like people’s words don’t phase me
Inside I hate it when people bash me
But I feel undeserving when people praise me
They say the things I do is incredible and that I honestly amaze them
That my clothing made them confident & my writing saved them
But they don’t know that my writing are from my suicidal thoughts screaming out help me
And the demons inside of me is starting to get the best of me
Then my depression takes over & makes me feel crazy
And it’s been happening a lot more often lately
I look up in the sky & ask Yahuah to save me
And yet I get nothing in return
While the devil sits back laughing at me as I burn
I feel defeated & death becomes an urge
People are so obsessed over me when my life is none of their concern
You wanna know the real Angel? Just read my writings & you’ll learn
I’m tired of working hard & get nothing I’ve earned
I’m tired of getting knocked down when it’s my turn
I’m tired of the hate & I’m tired of the criticism to
The same people that follow me judge me for every little thing that I do
“We heard your this & that Angel”
They assume, accuse and jump to conclusions that it’s true
As if somehow I answered & it came from my mouth to you
Here’s a suggestion, I’ll do me & you do you
Don’t ever think you know me if you’ve never walked in my shoes
I’ve been slandered, manipulated, physically & emotionally abused
So I write songs & poetry because it helps me not give in to suicide & lose
I listen to the man in the sky and he helps me choose
And when I have a daughter I’ll tell her to be herself & not end up like me to
Because I want her to define herself or else this world will
I try to find my peace with a sleeping pill
Along comes my demons that tells me to kill
I trust none they’re all fake, no ones really real
I lie awake at night shaking from nightmares & can’t be still
Screaming out help me but nobody will
There are times when I’m laughing & times myself I want to kill
Cause to be honest I’m ready to die
I have no more tears left to cry
I always ask Yahuah why did he make me
But he never answers me why
No one can save me but yet I still try
Like I’m doing CPR on myself
Writing songs & poetry relieves so yeah sometimes it help
But every time I look at my loved ones in heaven in the pictures on my shelf
I feel a shift in my hope
My demons come knocking & I become overwhelmed
They want my life & my health
I just want peace, I don’t care about wealth
I’m not a live I’m just surviving can’t you tell
Broken bones & bruises from my stepfather who beat me & threatened me not to tell
I still hope to find heaven even though I’m living in hell
My life’s been a torture but I still say It’s swell
But I’m not always ok & I’m not always doing well
I’ve been through things that I’ll never tell
I’m brave in my writings but afraid & alone in my shell
So many times I’ve been close to death that I still get a whiff of it’s smell
It’s like I’ve been cursed & I can’t break the spell
I’m struggling to stay afloat but no one can tell
An ocean of depression washes me away like the boats that sails
Imprisoned in my past & locked in its cell
What’s the point of me living if my life’s a living hell