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Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon.

Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love

and true love's first kiss.

Like that's ever going to happen.

What a loony.



Stay out

I think he's in here.

All right. Lets get it!

Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains.

Well actually that would be a giant.

Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse.

They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin.

They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes.

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Back, back beast, back!

I warned you!


This is the part, where you run away.


And stay out.

Wanted. Fairytale creatures.

Right, this one is full. Take it away.

Give me that.

Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch.

Next. -Come on.

Sit down there! And be quiet!

This cage is so small.

You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change.

Please, give me another chance.

Oh, shut up!


What do we got?

This little wooden puppet.

I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy.

Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

No! Please, don't let them do it!

Next. What do you got?

Well, I've got a talking donkey!


Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it.

Oh, go ahead fella.


He's just a li..., just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox.

You boneheaded donkey!

That's it. I have heard enough. Guards!

No, no, he talks, he does!

I can talk. I love to talk.

I've talked to...

Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear!

Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly!

He can talk! -That's right, fool!

Now I'm a flying, talking donkey!

You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly.

But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly!

Seize him!

Get him! This way! Hurry!

You there. Ogre. -I.

By the order of lord Farquaad.

I am authorized to place you both under arrest.

And transport you to designated resettlement facility.

Oh really?

You and what army?

Can I say something to you?

Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible.

Are you talking to...


Yes, I was talking to you.

Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards.

They thought that was all over there.

And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods.

That really made me feel good to see that.

Oh, that's great. Really.

Man, it's good to be free.

Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

But I...

I don't have any friends.

And I'm not going out there by myself.

Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea...

I'll stick with you.

You and me in green fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us.

Oh, a, that was really scary.

Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause...

you definitively need some tic-tac or something,

'cause your breath stinks!

Man you've ??? my note!

Just like the time...

...and then I ate some rotten berries.

Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day.

Why are you following me?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause I'm all alone,

there is no one here, beside me.

My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me.

But you got to have free ... -Stop singing!

Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends.

Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Listen! Little donkey.

Take a look at me! What am I?


...really tall?

No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks.

Doesn't that bother you?


Really? -Really really.


Man, I like you. What's your name?

A..., Shrek.


But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek?

You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing.

I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right.

Uh, look at that.

Who would wanna live in a place like that?

That would be my home.

Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator.

It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget.

I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

I guess, you don't entertain much, do you?

I like my privacy.

You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common.

Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave.

And then there's that big occurred silence, you know?

Can I stay with you? -What?

Can I stay with you, please.

Of course! -Really?

No. -Please! I don't want to go back there.

You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak.

Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together!

You got to let me stay! Please! Please!


-But one night only. -Huh, thank you!

A, what are you do... No!

This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories.

And in the morning...

I'm making waffles.

Where do I sleep?


Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me...

... so I guess, outside is best for me.

Here I go.

Good night.

I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside.

Sit by myself outside, I guess.

I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me.

-I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside.

Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have?

It's not...

What a lovely bed. -Got you!

I found some cheese. Awful stuff.

-Is that you Gordon? -How did you know?

Enough! What are you doing in my house?

Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table!

Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken.


I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre!

What do I have to do, to get a little privacy?

Oh, no! No, no!

What are you doing in my swamp?

All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go.

And hurry up, hurry up.

No, no, not there. Not there!

Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What?

We were forced to come here. -By who?

Lord Farquaad. He ???

All right.

Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Oh I do. I know where he is.

Does anyone else know where to find him?

-Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone?

Oh pick me, I know! Me, me.

Ok, fine.

Attention all fairy tale things!

Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up.

In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from.

You. You're coming with me.

All right. That's what I like to hear, man.

Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it.

I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again...

What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle? -No.

-Well, can I hummer? -All right.

That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me.

I'm the gingerbread man.

You monster.

I'm not a monster here. You are.

You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world.

-Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me.

I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end!

-Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons.

Not gumdrop buttons.

All right! Who's hiding them?

Ok, I'll tell you.

-Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man?

-The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man.

Who lives on Proully lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man!

-The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man.

My lord! We found it.

Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

Magic mirror.

Don't tell him anything!


Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Well, technically, you're not a king.

A..., felonious.

-You were saying. -What I mean is a...

...you're not a king, yet.

But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess.

Go on.

So, just sit back and relax my lord,

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.

And here they are.

Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime.

Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters.

Please welcome... Cinderella.

Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.

Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy.

Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is.

Come on. Give it up for... Show-white.

And last but certainly not least.

Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????,

dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off.

She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain.

Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona.

So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two?

Or bachelorette number three?

-Two... -Three! -Two!

One. No, no, no.

Three. Pick number three my lord.

Ok, ok. Number three.

Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona.

She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect.

All I have to do is just find someone...

But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night...

-I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset...


I will make this princess Fiona my queen.

And Duloc will finally have the perfect king!

Captain! Assemble your finest man.

We're going to have a tournament!

That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc.

I've told you I'll find it.

So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle.

Aha, that's the place.

Do you think maybe he's compensating for something.

Hey, hey wait up Shrek!

-Hey, you! -No, no!

Wait a second.

Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just...

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

Where is everybody?

Hey look at this.


-Let's do that again. -No. no.

All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom.

Sorry about that.

That champion should have the honor, no, no...

...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon.

If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place.

And so on, and so forth.

Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.


Let the tournament begin.

What is that?

Ugh, it's hideous.

Oh, that's not very nice.

It's just a donkey.


Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion.

How about him.

Oh, hey. Now, come on.

Can't we just settle this over a pint?


All right then.

Come on.

Hey Shrek! Let me, let me!

The chair! Give him the chair!

Thank you. Thank you, very much.

I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel!

Shall I give the order sir?

No. I have a better idea.

People of Duloc. I give you our champion!


Congratulation, Ogre.

You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Quest? I'm already on a quest.

A quest to get my swamp back!

-Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp!

Where you dumped those fairytale creatures.


All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal.

Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back.

Exactly the way it was?

Down to the last slime covered toast tool.

-And the squatters? -As good as gone.

What kind of quest?

Ok, let me get this straight!

We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp,

which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place.

-Is that about right? -You know what?

Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk.

I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?

You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick.

Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate.

Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids.

Does that sound good to you?

A, no, not really, no.

For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think.

-Example. -Example?

OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions.

-They stink? -Yes, no.

-O, they make you cry. -No.

Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs?

No! Layers! Onions have layers.

Ogres have layers. Onions have layers.

You get it? We both have layers.

O, you both have layers.

You know not everybody likes onions.

Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers.

I don't care what everyone likes.

Ogres are not like cakes.

You know what else everyone likes? Paffe.

Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and

they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious.

No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden.

Ogres are like onions. End of story.

Bye, bye. See you lather.

Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

You know I think I've preferred your humming.

Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess.

Just the word paffe has made me start slimying

Why, Shrek, did you do that?

Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off.

My mouth was opened and everything.

Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead.

It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

Yeah, right, brimstone.

Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone.

And they don't come of stone neither.

Sure it's big enough, but look at the location.

Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers.

We wear ??? sleeves.

Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs.

No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava!

Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok?

For emotional support.

We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time.

-Really? -Really really.

Ok. That makes me feel so much better.

Just keep moving and don't look down.

Don't look down, don't look down.

Shrek! I'm looking down!

I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please.

-But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe.

Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

Shrek, no, wait.

Don't do that!

Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh. This? -Yes, that!

Yes, yes. Do it. OK.

-No, Shrek! -I'm doing it.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

That will do Donkey, that will do.


So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?

Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her.

I was talking about the dragon Shrek.

-Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh.

Oh, good. Me neither.

Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation.

Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire.

I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean.

I'm sure he's heavier than a cow...

Donkey. Two things. Ok?

Shut, up.

Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess.

The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

What makes you think she'll be there?

I read it in a book once.

Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs.

Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right.

Those stairs won't know which way they go.

The drafting stairs, ???

Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs.

I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it.

Well, at least we know where the princess is.

-But where is the... -Dragon!

Donkey, look out!

Got you.

Oh, what large teeth you have.

I mean, white sparkling teeth.

You probably hear this all the time from your food, but

you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there.

And do I detect the hint of minty freshness?

And you know what else?

You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon,

'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out.

What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye?

Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and

I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff.


No, Shrek! Shrek!

-Wake up! -What?

Are you princess Fiona?

I am.

Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

Oh, that's nice. Now let's go.

But wait, sir knight.

This be our first meeting.

Should not be wonderful, romantic moment?

Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time.

Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet.

Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed.

You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?


But we have to sing through this moment.

You can residing of a poem to me.

A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something.

I don't think so.

Well, can I at least know a name of my champion?


So, Shrek.

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


-You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on!

But this isn't right. ???

That's what all the other knights did.

Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame.

That's not the point.

Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there.

Well, I have to save my ass.

What kind of knight are you?

One of a kind.

...rush into a physical relationship.

I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude.

That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude.

Hey, that is unwanted physical contact.

Hey, what are you doing?

Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time.

I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying.

As friends, maybe even as ???

Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail.

And you're going to tear it off....

Oh, no. No!

-It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick.

Ok, you two. Head for the exit.

I'll take care of the dragon.


You did it. You rescued me.

Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ...

...a little unorthodox I admit, but

by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt.

And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed.

I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed.

She thinks I'm a steed.

The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight.

-Aah, no. -Why not?

I have helmet hair.

Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer.

Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust.

But, how will you kiss me?

What? That wasn't in a job description.

-Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny.

You must know how it goes.

A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight.

And then they share true love's first kiss.

With Shrek? You think, wait...

...you think Shrek is your true love?

Well, yes.

You think that Shrek is your true love.

What is so funny?

Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok?

Of course you are. You're my rescuer.

Now, now remove your helmet.

Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take o
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Submitted on November 20, 2019

18:48 min read

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