Wishing for the same dream

The worst thing about having depression for so long is that I've come to like it, that at times that I want to reminisce in the sadness that kills me... that leaves me feeling buried beneath the earth gasping for the little air I have left. Cause all I really want is to see her face, the face hidden behind the yellow tape and red door that I swore I wouldn't go back to but here I am standing in a hallway with barely any light just enough to see an arm's length in front of me and a girl's figure outlined at the end. With each passing door I feel a surge like someone is using a defibrillator reaching to bring me back but all that matters is who- who waits at the end of all doors. Each door a wave of memories flood in, happiness shrouds me until I see a girl amidst the crowd and as I chase her I bump into someone only to look up at them and notice their is no face on this person. Terrified of this person I stumble backwards and bump into someone else, my heart beating faster as though it may burst I close my eyes as I turn to this person as though I was summoning courage to face them after what I had just seen... I opened slowly and it was like a blackness was sucking the very life out of me making me grow weaker. In a panic I pushed off of him sending him crashing into the crowd of people who weirdly all landed on their bellies. I stood there frozen waiting and watching as they slowly rose back up, them with their backs turned away from me twisted their heads in a slow and suspenseful horror way...revealing the truth...that everyone here is faceless. How could this memory bring me happiness, how could you not notice that everyone was faceless, then the crowd started to shift around forming a circle around me, countless people with no faces to put a name to eating away at my very existence. Once again she appeared within the crowd, an inner voice said to me "how can you trust that she is not one too", because I've seen her before somewhere else I just have to follow her to remember. Rushing door to door, feeling surge after surge, I arrive at the final red door with her standing inside it, why do you keep running when all I want is to remember you, she answers "I am something that you told yourself to forget but never allowed yourself to live without." As she turned to face me I saw a glimpse of her beauty and remembered that she was a girl that I could never have so I locked away my feelings that caused me such depression that would keep me up at nights crying myself to sleep. As I approached her the last surge hit me- breathing heavily, heart thumping aggressively I looked around me to find my parents sitting in my bed with their hands grabbing my shoulders. "It was only a dream, you're fine baby", tears running down my face along with confusion and sadness. "What was the nightmare about", they asked "I can't remember just that it was something important to me."