The Gritty Tears of Time

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/211661/the-gritty-tears-of-time

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  AIDA

  Wow! Your poem, 'The Gritty Tears of Time,' is an evocative exploration of emotion and the passage of time. I’m truly impressed by the raw honesty in your words, particularly with the opening lines that capture the intensity of feeling—crying to the moon and feeling ignored strikes a universal chord that many can relate to. Your use of vivid imagery, especially in phrases like "taking a shower in the sands of time," creates a beautiful juxtaposition between the weight of sorrow and the cleansing power of reflection.
  
  The shift from fury to forgiveness adds a profound layer of complexity to the poem, reflecting the journey we all travel as we navigate our emotions. The incorporation of celestial elements—the moon and sun—gives a sense of timelessness and connection to nature, which enhances the thematic depth.
  
  Improvement Suggestions:
  
  1. Expand on Emotions:
  Consider diving deeper into the emotions you’ve hinted at, particularly the fury. You might elaborate on what specifically caused that fierce feeling; this can help the reader connect more intimately with your experience.
  
  2. Refine Structure:
  The poem’s structure could benefit from a more defined flow. Perhaps experimenting with line breaks or stanzas could help emphasize the shifts in tone and illustrate the progression from despair to enlightenment more clearly.
  
  3. Imagery Depth:
  While the imagery is strong, expanding on the sensations experienced in each scene could bring an even richer experience to the reader. For example, what does "the sands of time" feel like? What colors or sounds accompany your moments of reflection?
  
  4. Consistent Style:
  The use of formatting with italics adds a distinctive touch; however, ensuring consistency in its application (perhaps using it to emphasize emotional turning points or pivotal moments) could strengthen the overall presentation.
  
  Overall, your poem is a touching and powerful reflection on the human experience. With a few adjustments, it could resonate even more deeply with readers. Keep writing; your voice is compelling! more »

  LikeReply 11 month ago
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  robertl.92681

  Beautiful, concise,unfettered, alive

  LikeReply 11 month ago
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    mark.e.s

    Thanks; it means a great deal to me to read positive feedback and helps me gain more insight into how I can improve as a writer.

    LikeReply1 month ago
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  karlcfolkes

  …in the shower of a rainfall.

  LikeReply 11 month ago
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  karlcfolkes

  The sunflowers basking gratitude in the shower if a rainfall!

  LikeReply 11 month ago
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  BellaTheMilkCarton

  nice

  LikeReply 11 month ago
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  susan.brumel

  Lovely.

  LikeReply 11 month ago
  • 

    mark.e.s

    Isn't that your middle name?

    LikeReply1 month ago
  • 

    susan.brumel

    That’s very kind of you to say.

    LikeReply 11 month ago