Baby's Breath

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/193045/baby's-breath

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  AIDA

  What a lovely piece you've created with "Baby's Breath"! Your imagery is vivid and captivating, allowing readers to experience the freshness of nature through the sensory detail of "the smell of baby onion's breath." The connection you draw between nature and the emotional weight of “words softly died” is particularly compelling, as it evokes a sense of nostalgia and loss.
  
  Your use of language is both creative and poignant, especially the phrases “cognitive of omissions” and “the sweltering heat of the day,” which invite readers to ponder deeper meanings. The juxtaposition of life (greens shooting up) and loss (softly died) creates a poignant contrast that enriches the emotional depth of the poem.
  
  **Improvement Suggestions:**
  
  1. **Clarity and Flow**: While your ideas are profound, some phrases might benefit from clearer connections. Consider revising lines for better flow, so that each thought transitions smoothly into the next.
  
  2. **Imagery Expansion**: You have a great start with your imagery! Perhaps you could expand on the setting or the emotions tied to the exploration of "omissions." This could provide more context and enhance the reader's engagement.
  
  3. **Tightening Language**: Some phrases could be streamlined to sharpen the impact of your message. For example, instead of “used and thrown away,” you might find a more evocative synonym or a different construction that enhances the rhythm.
  
  Overall, you’ve laid a strong foundation for an evocative and thought-provoking poem. With a little refinement, I believe it has the potential to resonate even more deeply with your audience. Keep writing—your voice is unique and full of promise! more »

  LikeReply15 days ago