Filthy

I feel nasty

Even though I practice cleanliness

I feel nasty/

I was taught to speak with respect and politeness

I feel nasty/

I think filth hides behind courageous , authority, trust

We’re taught young to abide and do as we must

I feel nasty/

Even though I stand as an adult, I’m embarking on a journey that has me stepping like a scared child

I feel nasty/

Healing is peeling at layers of conditioning, that’s making me repulse at the idea of a remedy

Being clean is so new to me, to the point filth is an option with rose color glasses purposely placed on locking away my own thoughts and throwing away the key

I feel nasty/

I’m so use to being taking advantage of, I chuck dues to love, openly walking back to the dope house where emotionally unavailable awaits with my supply of drugs

I feel nasty/

I’m confused, robbed of normalcy

Confusing for me is not just the degree of your sexuality, but the compounds/aspects of your reality, knowing that others have played a role in what you may see, they want it to look clean when it’s actually filthy

I feel nasty/

I’m confused, I don’t know what love is

Because love has touched me in ways that if I could I would reach back into my own memories and cast the wrath on to thee (he and she), who think praying on the weak gives you strength then silencing the cry’s as I weep because the saying goes, so what you been hurt it won’t be the last time, this too shall pass and you’ll be fine

I feel nasty/

I’m confused, I’ve struggled for a long time just being a woman

Might I explain again that everything isn’t about sexuality, see we’re so force fed propaganda we choke everything up to LGBTQ (much love to the brother and sisters who like what they like)

I come from a male dominated background, where my smiles were shied upon, my tears belittled, emotions bullied and ridicule, masculinity is what stands before you, being feminine is the hardest thing I’ve had to pursue like I know she was once there but she’s so out of reach I’m lost sometimes without a clue because I feel so comfortable being him but there’s really no him her what is a person to do

I feel nasty/

Even though I’ve endured a lot of pain and confusion, I don’t have to be scared, because no matter the damage it can be repaired, I knew no security but built security through the strength and foundation of being me, they say your past is what shapes the future, so as an artist in my world I will set up the easel, place upon my canvas and recreate what I been through, but this time the visuals will be displayed from my own vision now in control of my own energy

Free, at ease, the big reveal of peace acrylics painted within the master piece

As long as I’m awarded another day I will remind myself that nasty is just a feeling, I’m clean, figurative speaking and physically, 10yrs drink free, no longer allowing smoking to deteriorate me, mastering the art of scissoring, getting real comfortable with cutting off things and those who don’t serve me/