3am Thoughts

I have a strong overwhelming fear of abandonment, and not in the sense that someone might just up and leave because if I’m being completely honest with myself it has happened so much that I’m numb to the feeling. My fear if that I’ll never be able to find someone. I’ll never have the fear of knowing, caring and loving someone so much that I’m terrified that they might actually abandon me.

I have a strong overwhelming fear of attachment. People come into my life (Mainly Guys) and they pretend. Pretend they want me. Pretend they want to get to know me. Pretend that the person that I really am is someone that they really want.

My fear comes from wanting someone to want me without them getting to know the real me. I know it’s ironic, right. How could I possibly expect someone to want me if they don’t know me. But that not true. I want somebody to get to know me for me, but I’m terrified that once they realize who I really am, they’ll leave. All the pent-up anxiety that refuse to go. All the thoughts and reruns that keep me up at night. The constant fear of disappointing myself and finally giving up. Yea that

Let me make something clear, although I have all of these thoughts, I understand that I am worth it. I know that I’m pretty and people chase after my body, wanting what they can never have. I found that out when I was 11. It’s kinda funny and sad when I think about it. When I finally made my first Instagram account and I thought I was so cool. I thought I was so cool until all of these weird grown men started texting me and telling me I’m pretty. Until the thought of having Instagram was no longer a cool thought to me.

 I have been through a lot in my life, and it’s funny because I’m only 16. Peoples favorite things to say are "you’re so young, you have it so easy” and they’re right, how easy I’ve mastered the mask I wear every singe day. And I could talk about all the crap I’ve been through in the past 16 years of me life, but I’ve never really been one to take sympathy from others. I’m strong, I know I am, but I do not need your validation of the fact.

 I’m making it because of me. No one else. I don’t have anyone in my life, no role models I want to look up to because everyone I grew up around either lied or I didn’t have enough trust in them to believe what they say. When the story in constantly being turned and twisted around, you find it hard to believe in the things that people say. Everything I do is for me. Because I know my worth and I promise myself every day that I am going to give myself the life I deserve.