Mania.

I hate mornings, the light goes on forever. With all that energy from medically induced rest, my thoughts won't stop. I can't breathe here.
My mind is a stranger to me, I can't control what it brews in the corners of my void. I get so manic, but my mania is confined within my mind, left with nothing but time to find out where to seep through the cracks and crevices.
Then, I'm told that I changed, I didn't, I promise, I just couldn't cover the leaks anymore, I'm sorry. I didn't change.
I still love, I still cry, I still smile. I end up playing hide and seek with what I cant deal with any longer. with the shadows.
I wish more than anything to be able to love exploring possibilities of the world I know, I wish beautiful flowers would grow where i bled so profusely once before. I wish i could go a month without bloodshot eyes and shaky hands.
But instead I'm stuck drowning in my own blood, The blood i revealed myself. I'm stuck watching what used to be a pearly white rose become drenched in crimson.
When will it stop?
When will i be able to say I'm okay?
Why am i like this?
Mania.