Transparent Lives pt 1

F*ck! I am stuck within the loop. A Farris wheel of blame for not expressing the truth. A foot on thorns while biting the forbidden fruit. Oblivious to the pain like a kid with cartoons.

Broke and ashamed, assuming I could work my way out of it. Doesn't do shit, and the stress is getting me sick. When a dream fades, the thoughts flourish. You hate yourself in ways you never expected.

Managing money as if I know how. Investing in the future became impossible now. Playing catch up with debt collectors on my ass. Two steps forward just to move five steps back.

A recession worse than 1929. Fucking depressed from being so far behind. I got a wife to support and a kid to provide. A soul fetching for acceptance while patience has died.

Running low on fuel to stretch $40 for the week. Starve for a couple of days, denying poverty. Being so naive to reality. Had to beg god, but you can't pray for money.

"Jane, my love, I gotta talk to you. I've been struggling to pay for shit I can't refuse. Mortgage is next week, and I know you're tight. But need the assistance to smite the contrite."

"Really, you're asking me now? I can't afford groceries. My wallet doesn't allow. I've noticed your distant because you don't fucking speak. I am your wife, and you just ignore me."

"No, I don't. I just don't want you to worry..."

"Bullshit! You pay for things assuming you can handle it."

"Well yeah, for the most part, I had enough to pay. Food to buy and life to maintain."

"Wake the f*ck up! You got a daughter, you know. She is growing faster than chives on a good day's glow. Pull out from your stocks, but oh, that's right. You lost it all and claim with time, things will reunite. You don't have enough for this roof. Now what? Assumed you knew the secret and fucked us. Didn't ya."

"I get it f*ck. Chill, can you? Clouds of judgment does come with their issues. Take a second to watch life from my view. Regret follows me around like a tattoo."

"Oh, sorry, big man, as if I don't suffer too. I clean houses, mother fucker, something you don't do. Use what I gain for our child. Clothes and toys. Their emotions come first, a life you can't avoid. Working as a mechanic I know it's tough. Understand you are stressed when things are rough. Sold a bunch of what we had to pass by. We fight ourselves to live transparent lives. Don't start your shit playing possum."

"Damn it, Jane close your mouth for once. I get it. You got shit on your plate. Complain about the rain, but you are indoors anyways. Thank you for the clothes and toys. Cleaning houses for the money we stretch to enjoy. But I got this boulder of stress that's above my head. Scared about the future. Afraid to spend. I put my soul into trying to satisfy you right. Speak in ways my hand can't write. A check of love my thoughts can't sign. Ignore the mistakes while you count mine."

"Okay bitch go look for a place to work then. You figure shit out like those days we paid rent. Watch me pack my shit and surprise you like a present. By walking the f*ck out of your life like a boring event. Take our child and raise her right. To survive a cold world, you gotta manually ignite. You know it all, don't you? Had jobs before, the idea isn't new. Should have managed your shit a little better. Focus on bills instead of whatever. Now you lost looking at me for pleasure. Use me as leverage with my bank as a method to measure."

"Imma sleep in the living room f*ck you. Go keep talking and stack my problems as an excuse. Blame me for everything despite the mental abuse. I am done with the fighting and being rude. Can't even sleep well. Rotate the neck. Take my time with it, like singing the alphabet. Couch for today doesn't seem like it can do any harm"

"The couch gets comfy with sheets from Raymond."

"Noted I know where there at."

Getting hit in the head with a blanket I wasn't informed to catch. Livid and annoyed I turned just to watch her laugh. Fucking life of mine then proceeded to tramp away like a cat.

Laying the sheets nice and flat. To then fall into the settee without destroying my back. Annoyed at the time, so I wasn't thinking about the Impact. Patience was lost and kindness was sapped.

F*ck now what. My eyes don't close. Covered in yellow like an egg roll. An ocean filled with dismal. My heart is open while the devil attacks my lobes.

Gotta try shit out and make a profit. Do night shifts and real in some tips. Become a taxi driver or a chauffeur. I can't. Telling my wife would deprive her.

Drowning myself in shallow water. Inhale the pain with a hard cider. I tried to keep my life within a binder. Which didn't work since the company transferred.

Invested my savings and became a mechanic. For the most part success was equipped. Years pass and still following the script. Yet didn't realize the bears shot down my battleship.

The couch started to feel confine. My wife was indignant as her patience demised. Love is evil and always in disguise. But with time the feeling becomes a series you can't rewind.

Time punched me in the face. It became slow and out of pace. It looked into my eyes and demanded me to wait. Still wondering why since there hasn't been an update.

My daughter is 13, and I hope she understands. I am trying my best, but the proof isn't in my hands. Thought about buying property and letting the wealth expand. The markets crashed, and I was scammed.

The system sucks man but I'll find a way. Shoot karma where it hurts and let the blood remain. Should have known but that's life. We dive into situations assuming the outcome is right.  

Love you both I know it's hard to show. I work until my boss can promote. I fucked up that I know. But the intention wasn't wrong. The timing provoked. The love is genuine when the soul can devote. The situation made it seem like a joke.

I took a pull to let the mind drift. Cry my eyes out until the idea doesn't exist. Wait and ponder before my body can notice. Falling asleep so that tomorrow I can begin to fix shit.