Addict?

I don’t like calling myself an addict.
But this disease.. I know I have it
It sounds so permanent and quite frankly scares me
But through my addiction I learned I am the epitome of one because everything and I mean everything has changed me
I went from microwaving leftovers to microwaving an empty plate for a substance that may or may not kill me
How did that happen?
I’m getting sick of these nosebleeds and blaming
them on my allergies
I can’t just go to the bathroom anymore and “do my business”  
Now I go in and ask for forgiveness
instead I walk in and pull out my stash
because why else would I be going in there?
I’m losing friends on the daily
But there’s nothing I can do they’re just tired of saving me.
Why am I playing with fire, juggling the idea of life and death in my hands as if it weren’t the most fragile thing on this planet
Like it wouldn’t crush my loved ones and leave them thinking, “I don’t understand, she was such a good person”
But that feeling,
That feeling of nothingness but at the same time pure bliss, is so appealing
I do more and more and more and all of a sudden
I don’t know if I can stand this twitching in my bones I just know I can’t go home.
I’ll lie awake at night tossing and turning for hours on end
I thought cocaine was actually my friend
And yet I still want that feeling to last
Why?
That is the magic question.
Why do we keep doing it.
Is it because it’s addicting? Or is it something so much more?
Something that not even a therapist or psychiatrist can tell us with confidence.
I don’t know if I will ever know and I think that frightens me even more.
Saying I’m an addict is still the biggest fear of mine
Because saying it out loud makes it real.
And I don’t know how much more real I can take.
I wanna kneel and pray but that will not make it go away.
At least for me.
I can’t wait for the day when I can pay with cash and look down at the bills and not think of my past.
I try my hardest but most days I am defeated
I lock eyes with my demons
And plead with them.
I know I’ll be better further down the line
I want so badly just to be fine
But I see the light at the end of the tunnel
I hope one day the less and less I will have to struggle.