Suicide note: A poem

December 12, 2019

I do not fear death.
I fear life.
I fear the voices in my head
That try to take it from me.
And I fear the things I see
Everything I try to go to sleep.

I'm scared of living another minute
With this pain I'm feeling.
And I'm scared of the midnight thoughts
That leave me reeling
Night after night.

I'm scared of standing up to fight
So I back down.
Cowering in the corner,
I try to hide
But they always find me.

I'm scared of you realising
How bad it's getting.
And I'm scared of leaving
Because you'll spend the rest of your life regretting
Not asking whether I'm OK.
But I don't tell you I'm not
Because I'm scared of what you'll say.

I fear pain.
But I fear the numbness even more.
I fear the emptiness that plagues me
That only goes away when I take that knife
From the back of my drawer.

I'm scared one day somebody will notice my cuts,
And judge me,
As if my pain weren't already enough.

I fear the day you walk in,
And see this note sitting on my desk.
I did my best,
To stay
But it got to much and I had to go,
Away.
If your reading this I guess it's that day,
Today.
I'm sorry to leave but it's better this way.

Because I spent the last year,
Drowning in my fear.
Faking smiles
Because it's been a while
Since I've felt genuinely OK.

Living is harder than dying,
And it's so easy to die.
What's the pain of cut wrists
Compared to the pain I feel everyday
Just, existing.

I do not fear death.
But I fear goodbyes.
So this isn't goodbye,
I'll see you again just in another life.
One not so rife
With pain and suffering.

A life where I can feel something
Other than regret and sorrow.
One where I wouldn't have to wish
I didn't wake up,
Just so I don't have to go through
The pain of tomorrow.