Hopeful Loneliness

Such a strong emotion.
It causes one to do things they never thought they would.
Everyone feels it.
Yet everyone tries to avoid it.
Some make peace with it.
Some never get the opportunity.
Staying somewhere or with someone you shouldn't,
And you know you shouldn't.
Because you don't want to be alone.
Even when you think you're getting away.
Once the loneliness creeps in,
Many fall prisoner once again.
Loneliness makes you do terrible things to yourself.

When you go back and things are good, until they're not.
Screaming. Yelling. Spitting. Pushing. Name-calling.
Ponting out every flaw he knows you're sensitive about.
Taking your imperfections and making you hate them,
Instead of loving them.
No one is perfect. You know that.
Everyone else's imperfections are tolerable,
But not yours
He makes you think that.
Slowly ripping your identity away from you until you are Empty. Emotionless. Numb.
Accepting that the world will never accept you.
Begging for validation and feeling you will never find it.
You begin to hate yourself.
You are unloveable and no one will ever love you.
You spent years having your imperfections paraded in front of you.
A whirlwind of words of hate, destruction...
Destruction of you.

You finally leave and you're lost.
You don't know who you are anymore.
You realize the life you lived for years destroyed a sense of everything.
How to act around people. Even family.
The ones who love you most.
Destroyed your sense of security in public.
Avoiding eye contact with those you walk past
Because looking them in the eye is too personal.
Too connecting.
Afraid they will see the fear, the panic, the loneliness,
the pain, the confusion, the emptiness.
You're afraid they'll see this in a glance as you walk by.
Your eyes tell it all. You can't hide the pain in your eyes;
And you're afraid they'll call you on your bullshit.
Your persona of happiness, of laughter, of humor.
The mask you wear so people don't see your misery.
Don't see the agony of the pain you're suffering.
The pain you don't know how to feel.
Don't know how to address or process.
You open up to people and watch them slowly drift away.
Your pain is your burden and it's on your shoulders,
And your shoulders alone.
You feel people don't understand and will never be there.

So you lock yourself away.
Finding comfort being alone.
Finding comfort in the loneliness.
Craving love and human contact,
But being let down every time you open up.
Closing you up more and more.
Never losing hope you'll find your person.
Find your people.
People who will love you.
For you.
Despite the pain and suffering,
They will see you, and love you
For you.

About this poem

I wrote this poem as a domestic violence survivor. These are my residual effects and feelings caused by trauma from an emotionally abusive husband.

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Written on December 12, 2022

Submitted by jackiostwalt on December 31, 2022

Modified on March 26, 2023

2:44 min read

Quick analysis:

Scheme axbbbcddefxxg xhxiijkljimbgmmam xnhcxxxxhooxxbxchxxflex feoxxnakmMhmM
Closest metre Iambic pentameter
Characters 2,650
Words 525
Stanzas 4
Stanza Lengths 13, 17, 23, 13

Jacqui Ostwalt

I grew up in a small town near a growing city. I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice minoring in Criminology. Later, I earned my certification as a Certified Fraud Examiner. I love nature and walking. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have discovered that poetry has helped me address the trauma I live with every day. I hope my work can reach those who may be struggling with the same feelings. more…

All Jacqui Ostwalt poems | Jacqui Ostwalt Books

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    "Hopeful Loneliness" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 18 Jul 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/147906/hopeful-loneliness>.

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