My life is a lie

Ones my son asked,
“Do you ever lie, mummy?”
I said,”No”

But then, I do lie.
Lie all the time that I am fine
That I can handle everything,
even the harshest of remarks
or the judgements.
I lie to myself,
Nothing  hurts me!
Then I turn around,
close my eyes, gulp my tears
And there, I am ready to hit the road

I lie about,
Whom I love and whom I don’t.
I lie that I am happy
when my heart craves for joy.
The list is unending, my son
And it goes on and on.
So,  I don’t want you to get confused
Or judge me on this
Some mothers have no other way
So we lie again & again

Lie is my safest nest
As no one can handle the truth.
I can’t tell one who expects love,
that I don’t love them anymore;
That I need peace;
as I am tired of the world of humiliations.
I want to be alone
as the sight of them makes me cringe,
Or say to you, son
That’s enough...I can’t take it anymore

Can I say to someone,
“I don’t want you in my life.
 Would you really go away,
without putting up a nasty fight?”
Would anyone let me live my life my way
If I tell them so on their face?
No! You will weave strings of stingy words
And pick up your own assessments of mine
You will shower me with,
how much you do care.
You might go to a nastier corner
and bring my incapabilities on forefront
Or even worse….
Give me the honor of the worst partner
Or a mother

So son
I have developed peace with my lies
But everyday
I fight within and lie without,
I cry within and smile without.
I lie every moment, my son,
That I am fine.
Now, I am at that point
Wherein the line,
The line bifurcating truth and lie
Has blurred up
I keep on weaving lies
Accepting it as my truth
And the day I will fail
I fall apart….
Hopefully a new me will emerge from the ashes
Leaving the lies behind.