Take two

i hold the two familiar parts
strange, supple weights
muscle memory is stronger
than the muscles themselves

after half a lifetime
will it still feel the same?
since my brain set in its mould
learned to sit still in an office,
to wallow in grief and dry off again.

my arm swings clumsily
my mind slips and second guesses
ambered hairs scratch
a flashback

    the conductor winces.
    i’m reading too slowly.
    is it my fault,
    my ears work better than my eyes?
    give me time
    and I’ll play by heart.
    but she doesn't have time
    or heart.

in the excruciating transition
to angst and adulthood
shame won its coup.
practice began to burn holes
the whole house twisted in the heat.
i left the scented wood to cool in its case.

but the strongest drug is auditory
and over the years
i self-medicated
everyone does it
the rush of cadence
moves our bodies
tenderizes like a lullaby
exposes the oldest parts

now dust coats the wood
i've come back.
fingers press the strings
finding pitch
a language i forgot
the bow sways

and in small moments:
a sound i can stand
sings
a nameless feeling
swells up
retold.