Cry Day

I miss you friend. Today would have been a cry day but I have no one I trust to cry with. I am tired of cry days. I am tired of weeping, of thinking, of examining wounds that would heal if I would just let them. Of healing from one thing to see the deeper healing that must be next. I’m tired of praying. I tired of if petitioning, of bargaining, of standing in the lobby with a number that will never be called. I am tired searching for God , listening for God and not finding or hearing. I am tired of knocking on doors, looking for windows, and casting nets. I’m tired of being told I’m doing it wrong. I don’t believe enough. I believe to much in the wrong thing. I just need faith to see, or if I could just see I would
have faith. I’m tired. I’m tired of wondering how I got here and knowing full well how at the same time. I’m tired of wondering where I am going knowing full well towards anything is better than standing still. Why is there not space for two things. Content with what I have - the want for a bit more. Joy in the minutes - mourning the moments. Gratitude for what is - longing for what could be. I miss what could have been and what should be. I miss what actually never was and what will never now come. There is space for both- living only comes in the between. I have answers, I want peace. I have knowing, I want presence. I don’t have anyone I trust to help me cry and it was a cry day, my friend.