Savior Complex

Savior Complex

I am sorry
that my tears made you uncomfortable.
I apologize for showing emotions.
A robot girl is what you wanted
You were burdened with a human instead.
Instead of metal
wires
and carelessness,
you unwrapped
flesh
blood
and tears.
Someone who will live and die for you
is not what you signed up for.
For that I am sorry.
I am not iciness
or the quiet ticking of a mind unfazed
I am the fire coursing through the veins of
a person enamored
with the mind and soul of another.
I am crumbling rocks
folding to your every need.
I am the dripping faucet in your bathroom
the one that annoys you but never stops
giving.
I am the wind that cools you without asking
the song that surprises you.
The free ice cream on your birthday.
You do not ask for me
but I stay
and I’ll give you whatever you need.
An apology
a reason to hate me
an ill memory in my name.
I’ll bear it all
if you want me to.
I’ll be your savior
your villain
a stranger.
If that is how you wish to remember me.
I am too worn out
caring too much
about your needs over mine
to fight for my right to be remembered well.
to be thought of properly.
If being the bad guy trickling down the pages of your story is what you want
I will wear my thorny crown with joy.
I’ll do it all, saving you 100 times over
within the shadows
just out of your sight, while you bash me to others.
Because
to save someone might mean caring
and moving on from the dark.
I will save you from the affliction of accountability,
carry the weight of every rumor
curse
and venomous name.
I’ll proudly wear the bruises
of unfiltered blame.
Drinking in the besmirched looks from your friends,
 peers,
and listening ears,
because acrimony towards me now equates to praise towards you.
Did you want a villain?
Someone to hate?
Viola.
I’ll remove every nut and bolt of my being
only to rebuild myself into a pill
easier to swallow than the one before.
I was your fleeting shower while you remain my unexpected storm.
To be remembered in disdain
trumps no memory at all.
It is the self-sentencing I deserve
for believing in the fantasy
of devotion returned