A monster inside me

A monster inside me

I write and paint in so many different coloured inked pens and paintbrushes, but the ultimate result is always a black and white illustrations with no meaning,

I scream and yell to find help but all I can get is being looked on as a monster, trying to speak in a low tone then i remember  that my chords were devoured,

I see a lot of people around me but when I touch them, they disappear then i call mom but she can't hear me because all  the attention is at the littles ones, yet dad can't see them or maybe is part of them,

I even forgot the deals I made with the Creator because when I close my eyes, I see more than just what I can ever describe to a sane human,

Am always blamed and dehumanized even in my absence, silent not to reply but still called dumb for not responding forgetting that my silence is my last resort and the least I could wholeheartedly offer,

Am called weirdo by my age mates, outlaw by the social ramifications and those who think they saw it all, Living a life of paying debts which i ask if indeed they were mine, moving and toiling under other shadows and wanna-bes to impress others keeping me as the sole sacrifice yet seen as the innocent, silly, docile and adamant one of all,

I’m told to dish respect to everyone even if it falls from my platter but all in favours of the emblemed minorities who stand godly and spotless, am a stranger in my own body, some call me fat and others call me obese,

 I try to loose weight but still called me too skinny seems am positive, Others  am too tall this can't be my dad, others am too short it seems am disabled, am too black to be human thats why they donate me abanana, others am too brown and that automatically makes me a racist,

All these are the monsters I deal with every day,at school, church, Social media  and my last hopes are left within colored pencils Trying to illustrate those monsters with in me yet those i illustrate too say its not colored enough to see the monsters.

Many have predicted my failure since the day I first took a step and my smile reigns havoc to many souls both dead and living, Many are afraid of speaking up and still many baptized it all names as anxiety, curiosity, ignorance, inexperience but I call it depression …. the only inward killing poison that no one sells but most buy,

I drench on this poisonous pill even when my voice is hoarse and blurred.