two years; nine days

I miss the way your face looks when you're talking about something serious
The way you smile crookedly…your dimples
I miss the focus between your eyebrows when you play video games.
I find myself thinking about the sight of you eating a bowl of cereal
thinking about the bass in your voice,
The embarrassed chuckle when you see how intently i’m watching you….
I am confused
Test results and years of being told so have led me
To believe i am intelligent; rational.
Even so i can not rationalize the way
i feel you in my bones.
I can not find logic in feeling
Homesick
For a place you never been
Can not string together any combination of words to justify
Missing someone youve never met
But the way i miss you is
I n d e s c r i b a b le
I spent so many years raising myself that
By the time i was old enough to realize i should?
I didnt miss my parents.
Didnt crave their time, attention..
I havent seen my mother in going on two years and
I havent missed her for a second
I havent wished i could call and tell her a god damn thing but
I do miss you.
I do spend every day living my life
And hating that i cant tell you all about it.
I think about hearing your voice in the middle of the night
And i'd give every hour of sleep i get now
 To listen to you drive home,
To hear power tools while you build houses,
To have you as much a part of my smoke circle as everyone else…
I hate to see peoples’ snapchat memories of me..
If you listen closely you can hear your voice coming from my phone.
I miss you making my friends laugh.
I miss your friendship
Your guidance
 Your humor.
I miss the way my world would crash,
It would burn and i was
So young standing in the dark,
Tired and covered in soot.
From 2,200 miles away you shone so bright
The sound of your voice like music
Washing over me
After years of silence.
The way you made my heart glow.
You taught me how to laugh,
How to love..
Kept me sane through so much.
Your’e the only person who ever paid enough attention
to be able to testify that i have won more fistfights with my depression
than i have lost….
If you could only see me now.
And good fucking christ man,
The things i would give to see you now.
To see what you have done and who you have become.
i'd sell everything ive got to hear that tone you take with me when we both know
Ive fucked up.
I want to hear about your day
The last month
Or year. Or two..
Lets do that thing where we catch up for hours,
We laugh at all our inside jokes
and it feels like only minutes have passed.
Tell me how stupid any number of decisions ive made are
Tell me about your job
Your family
Yourself….
But most of all?
Tell me you havent forgotten that goofy ass face you used to make at me
Tell me you havent forgotten the way we used to laugh,
The way we used to fight,
The way we used to love eachother.
Tell me you remember what i sound like when you call at ungodly hours.
Tell me you remember talking to me while youre working.
Tell me you remember what i look like asleep on video call.
Because i remember all of these things
And so so much more.
I hope youre happy.
Really i do.
Although…itd be really cool
If you could teach me
How to be happy without you too.