The Beginning

Scene 1: Mind
The beginning felt like a moment in time
Our words and thoughts seemed intertwined
We spoke the same musical language; we sang and danced in a symmetrical stance
With each new verse, I thought perhaps I would give this a chance

Scene 2: Physical

Then came our first embrace, you held me tight, hands gripping my face
The earth stood still, in that instance you are all I could and wanted to feel
It was a feeling unknown to me for awhile
Most of my connections are only sexually worthwhile
It made me more curious to mix our bodies together
My breast, bare on your chest, our legs folded, lying naked, light as a feather
Floating through the throws of passion, climaxing at once, pleasure everlasting
But I want more than to fulfill my sexual needs
So I laid there in the darkness and held you, only making love to you in my dreams

Scene 3: Fears/Commitment Issues

As each day passes you seem to require more of me that I am comfortable sharing
I’m just used to having sex, and being questioned on what I’m not wearing
You ask how I am feeling; you take an interest in the person I am deep down
You tell me you miss me and love it when I am around
You want to spend long weekends; you include me in all your future plans
We go for brisk walks and you gaze into my eyes as we hold hands
And then you mention the word “Marriage” and my heart suddenly skips a beat
It’s the one word you cannot think, let alone actually speak
Now I start to want a little more space, and begin to want to mess with someone else
Only to run from what I could be feeling, an honest relationship that’s good for my health
I start to backslide, going to the old familiar territory of an ex
One with which I’ve slept, and has no width or depth
I start to see all your flaws, I try to make myself believe you and I could never be
I enjoy being alone and I know with you I could never be truly free
Free to be with another man and you still look at me the same
I know you would never allow such behavior if I were to ever take your name
I decide we have to end, I say I want to only be friends
I say maybe we can meet up every now and then; I’m just not ready to open my heart again
Scene 4: Heart

Back at one I am, it’s all I’ve ever really known
I start to reflect on all my relationships and why they have the same undertone
My relationships are always broken and never reach the ultimate stage of life sharing
I even question why I am so comfortable being alone rather than together
Why am I okay sharing my body before I can share my heart?
And my altered way of thinking truly dislikes togetherness and craves to be apart
I can lay down with someone I barely even know and give my body wholeheartedly, but one I see every day I treat as if they are a novelty
Then I get a mental picture of your face
For the first time I don’t think of you physically, or sexually
My first thoughts are how you stimulated my mind intellectually
I then feel more alone than I ever have and wish for you to be standing next to me
But only for your comfort, and the way things used to be
I realize if I don’t commit to one person and give them my heart
I will spend the rest of my life in meaningless, sexual relationships that will tear me apart
I’m looking in the mirror and I’m going to have to face all my fears
I’m going to have to talk about the things that are uncomfortable and shed some tears
There are going to be days I may feel I need some space to myself
But I shouldn’t have to end my relationship just to get a moment to catch my breath
I dial the number and this person answers and says the first thing
“I was just thinking of you and I and what we really mean”
I stop them and apologize and start to say the words to undo my non-committal spell
And then I begin to speak the truths that for so long I have been unable to tell