To My Future Daughter

To My Future Daughter

When I first thought of you, i was young and inexperienced.
12.
I couldnt help but glance at the kids, I wanted one of my own to hold.
I wanted one to call mine, to let them mold themselves.
To hold a child in my arms, watch your little smile gro from baby teeth to adults.
Even when I knew you would depart, I wanted you too desperately.

I realized that the moment the test was positive, And your daddy burst out of his seat.
Even when he gets mad at you, he could never be.
Because the moment you were born, he ran 3 miles yeling”I’m finally a dad”
Then the nerves set in at the 6 month semester.
The pressure getting close, but the want drawing nearer.

Your dad never told you the real truth behind the day you were born, He can’t admit he was a little girl.
He screamed the more i squeezed his hand, one moment i swore it broke if the white color was anything to go by.
Let me tell, your dad wouldn’t quit smiling and urging you to come out sooner.
The doctors thought he was crazy, for he started yelling down there.
I swore i felt like punching the man, if only he would help me push you out.

But anger molded into smiles, relief, the second you laid in my arms.
Baby girl, when i say my heart exploded, I mean it with every ounce of the truth.
You were a little angel in my arms, so quiet and still.
I knew in that moment, I would never let you fall.
Your dad held you longer, for i passed out for awhile
( We blame that on your dad)

I remember that first year of you being born, your father used to fill the house with cries.
“Why can’t she just sleep, I need my sleep too. She’ll pay when she has hers.’’
But your dad held your so gently, rocking you in the old, tattered, white flowered rocking chair.
He used to play some nightly tunes, whatever he could find.
At the time you were our first, so we were really inexperienced.

Do you remember the incident, when you were 2.
You fell into the pool, your father went deathly pale.
He screamed his head off to get help, finally you breathed.
He still says you were a heartattache, But truthfully your father loved you.
Even know you are his precious, and my little risktaker.

My the time you were 6 you became fearless, climbing up the apple trees and running off.
Always to the lake to fish, but you had that bolder edge to you.
And i’m sorry babygirl, for yelling at you.
I only wanted you to stop, I couldn’t lose you sweetie.
The world is’nt as happy as you see it, Just wait ‘til you’re older and wiser.

I wish I could have prepared you for the years ahead, when you became a teenager.
Darling you yelled so much, it kilt me but your dad died inside too.
He used to wait ‘ til he was sure you couldn’t hear and cry, he felt that he was a bad father somewhere down the line.
I begun to believe I failed, when we got the call.
You committed suicide.

I cried the way to the hospital, preying you would live.
 I needed my precious angel, your dad needed his teddy bear.
I kept wondering where It all went wrong, when did you go off the path?
But I knew it was because i failed to prepare you, failed to prepare you for the bumpy road.
I’m sorry angel, Your father say’s he’s sorry to.

At that moment we relaized life was short, we made this will and wrote this letter for you because of then.
“Dear Angel(Teddy Bear)
I’m sorry for that night, WE wished we could have prevented that overdose, that fatel blow.
Daddy’s sorry he didn’t tell you it all, I taught you about men and cars, just not that.
Darling, you can be whatever you want to be, Just don’t try to die.
Be the vet, or a teacher like you always did to grandma.
Read this when you’re sad, read this when life treats you bad.
You will always be my shining star, our shining star.
Love mom and dad
(P.s Dad loves you way more)

The same note she read, the second they died.
At the age of 25, when they collided with a drunk driver.
She will never forget her mother, the all so giving angel.
She will never forget her father, the same man who let her in with the boys.