One heart

As I sat down on the floor of my bathroom overthinking everything , panicking and wanting to end it all . Have you ever felt so pressured by this world which holds a lot of responsibility you can’t handle? As if you’re lost? You don’t know what is the next step? This is how people feel when they are at their lowest. They turn numb. How do people even take the decision to just end their own lives? Do they ever regret it in the after life ? I thought about death a lot. I sometimes feel like dying when its getting hard as if death is the solution since i dont like facing problems in my life , I used to think about it all , but oh well .. I met jess. Jess changed everything , jess not only changed my life but the way i think . Jess made me feel genuine happiness . He was the only one who was able to make me that happy he never failed to make me smile . We used to spend most of our time together . We used to go places together . That everyone around us knew wherever i am jess is with me . We used to sneak out of school to get ice cream , ill never forget how loud our countless laughs were . On the other hand , jess had his own dark side too , jess always wanted to end it .. end his life but I didn’t let that happen i used to encourage and support jess . We used to share everything with each other’s i made jess feel like im home just like he made me feel . Jess was different and special. But, Jess… Jess left like nothing happened to us. He found his own people. It really hurts to remember him as a memory but, this memory is a specially one that I will never regret. Words can’t describe how I feel when I walk past him as a stranger. He saved my life but I couldn’t save his. I made it worse for him. i pushed everyone around me , even my friends, I didn’t realize how busy i was with myself and my mental health , everything got so bad , i have been so selfish. I tried to fix it , but it was too late. Give up on myself rummaging in everyone to find jess again? Im just scared to loose myself while looking for others , when they wouldn’t do the same for me. Hope the waves take me and jess to the same side of the sea ending up together again. Imagine all the people you meet in your life. There are so many. They come in like waves, trickling in and out with the tide. Some waves are much bigger and make more of an impact than others. But jess wasnt a tackle. Jess ran with the Other piece of me.  I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself. Even knowing the ending was sad , i cannot say i was deprived from the beautiful memories.