Clueless and jealous

I feel like I'm constantly chasing after someone else's dreams, it's killing me.
I feel like I'm constantly following everyone else's directions,
I'm scared

They take a single step and I struggle to take a thousand after them
To exceed them
To spite them

They laugh in blissful joy
And I curse and frown in my head
Why are you smiling
I wish you suffering

They have perfect bodies, and they make sure to accentuate them.
I criticize and disregard mine
I am filled with so much disappointment and hate

They live a thousand times
And I struggle to take in air
I push against the enclosed walls
The falling facade
Barely surviving each day

I do not have my own definition of living.