Louder

Can You Hear Me or Get Louder”!

      I wonder can they hear me or do I get louder.

I wonder if I had something controlling the doings like powers, superpowers.

I wonder can they hear my voice when it cracks from trying to be so strong and keep holding on?

                     Do I Get Louder?  

      I Plan On raising a little girl knowing how strong her mommy was, is and what she had to go through growing up. My childhood will never be a reflection of mines, I won't hide my child from the world, Ill hide the world from my child.

          Can you hear me, or do I get louder?  

     I tend to shut down and go in this dark space because I know my past made the reflection of who I'm not proud ill turn out to be. I wish I can replay my whole life and take away the molestation, the abuse, the assumptions, the death.

Can you hear me, or do I get louder?

     My mind tends to wonder, and I wonder sometime am I now enough? Do I keep trying or do I give up? Can you hear me? I'm so tough on myself and heart because I'm tired of hurting and being broken. “Hurt People, Hurt People”.

    Imagine being a little girl and seeing your blood uncle, your father’s brother inserting himself into you asking you “is it in? Does it feel good?” Imagine telling your grandmother because now you're scared to stay home alone with him and she doesn’t believe you, father doing 7 ½ years in jail (every little girl is a daddy's girl) so you're afraid to tell him because you're ready for him to come home and actually be there and not behind bars.

Can you hear me or get louder?

 Imagine not growing up in a two-parent household or being with your siblings, watching other people with their parents and you're living with someone who abuses you and belittle you. I had moments where suicide was almost my best friend, Father finally coming home and not even long enough to see his daughter's 8th grade graduation, A gun became his enemy's best friend. His daughter’s first heartbreak,

can you hear me, or do I get louder?

 
  Can you hear me, or do I get louder? I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of being strong and hiding my pain.  Pregnant and baby coming soon, have to be strong cause every baby still in the womb know your every emotion and feeling right? I don’t know how much stronger I can be, when I'm alone I think of what could be done and what should be done maybe it can make things better, but it doesn’t. It's like I'm repeatedly feeling “hurt people, hurt people”. Can you hear me, or do I get louder?

 My bones are weak, my heart starting to not have feeling, but can you hear me, or do I get louder? I turn to writing because if I continue to express myself and how I feel nothing changes, everything remains the same and never changes. What's the purpose, still have to be strong for my little girl, right?    

 

Can you hear me or do I get a louder?