Shadow, Life, and a Girl

I went on a date
And nothing happened fast
I took my good ole' time
And she came along for the ride

We ate a bunch of food
For fun, giggles, and talking
I enjoyed a break with her
But I felt no physiological signs of love

But without the butterflies
Or loss of consciousness
We talked about our joys and work
How we both love God

I let her take the lead while scootering
I felt a little bit shameful to passersby
I am a man who directs attention
But she wanted no attention directed

I love that she's her own individual
But she doesn't fit in with culture
She's exactly myself when I'm taunting
My authenticity for independence
Just to get away from sincerely compassioniates.

I love bringing out authenticity.
But she's authentic no matter what
So I felt a bit uncomfortable
Like my whole self wasn't needed.

Sometimes I can't handle authenticity though
But I think I'm ashamed to admit it
My dad is ALWAYS authentic
But too much when I want relief.

Normal men relieve anxieties for a bit till you're stable
He sees me in mine though and stays
It feels like a guilt trip but it's not
I'm human and I suffer and I think of me as victim

He never sees me victim though
Anxiety is natural
But sometimes a typical remedy
Masculinity, or porn, is just as good or better than a heartfelt feeler when I don't want to change.

I don't think I should feel guilty
For wanting a break to blend in at the store
Why shouldn't he just comply by turning cisgender for me
He needs to always be himself

I feel like I can change into someone like him
But now I know to keep to myself when I'm stressed
Hide my stresses in healthy healable places
And not show them near him

Because when I need a break
And I have a longstanding shadow
He's not the person to answer my call
He sees right through the shadow
But misses the sufferer inside it.