Undesirable

The cloth
draped over the mirror
does little to stop the urge
to dig my nails into my skin
and claw
until I am a new person
to rip and tear
until my face is no longer mine
and my eyes don't water
at the sight of myself

The tape
on my phone camera
does nothing to stop me
from scrubbing and scratching
until my skin is raw
and I look worse than I had before
until I can't feel it anymore
and my skin begs for me to stop

The sympathetic eyes
of those I call friends
haunt my eyes
as I stare at my face next to theirs
wondering why I look so wrong
eyes uneven and squinted
nose too prominent
lips too thin

The tip of the knife
against my skin
provides only a temporary relief
from being trapped in my own skin
until I stare at the wounds
and cry at the sight
of the scars I've caused

The pit in my stomach
is constant
and I try to pretend for a moment
that I am not undesirable
but the pit remains
and I cannot remain confident
for I was never a good pretender