Leaving Me Behind

She’s sitting in a hotel room
Her husband kicked her out because she was a “danger to the kids”
Her angel babies
He doesn’t know she’s been sober for two months now
Getting kicked out was her wake-up call
But he refuses to let her see her children
She has everything laid out in front of her
Pictures of all four of them together, looking happy as a family
All of her medication
A glass
A notebook
A bottle of whiskey on the floor
She picks up her favorite picture of the family
She lays back on the pillows with tears in her eyes
She runs her finger over the face of her daughter
She loves her little boy more than anyone could ever know, but she will always have a special place in her heart for her first born baby
The first baby that went to term and lived through the birth
She thinks about everything she has lost
She knows it was her fault the kids had been put into foster care
She knows her drug problem was the reason the family had been broken
Her husband got clean before the birth of their first child
He’d had two kids before that but after seeing what his addiction had done to them, he wanted to be rid of it
She hadn’t had such ambitions
She went through both of her pregnancies clean but as soon as the babies were born she went right back to it, and now she hates herself because she hadn’t paid more attention
She tries to call her husband
She wants to tell him how she feels and how she’s doing
But the call goes straight to voicemail
She calls the home phone
No one picks up
She thinks that they’d be better off without her
What kind of mother was she?
So far she’d been a terrible one
Constantly high
She never paid them any attention unless she was stone cold sober, which almost never happened
She ignored them if they cried
She knows she loved them when she was sober, but she couldn’t stay sober or else the pain would set in
She’s working so hard to not fall back into old habits, but she’s starting to believe there’s no point
Maybe she can’t be a good mother
Maybe she and everyone else would be better off if she was dead
She knows the illnesses affect her ability to think clearly, but she’s never able to tell in the moment that it’s just her mind fogging up her reasoning skills
The more she thinks about it, the more sense it makes
If she was dead, she couldn’t hurt her babies anymore
They’re too young to remember her anyways
If she was dead, her husband wouldn’t have to fight for them the way he does with her around
Every thought she has adds to the growing list of reasons she should end it
And for every thought, she sets out a pill
Eventually she’s set out all of her pills, and they lay on the bed looking at her accusingly
Her gaze falls back to the photo and tears fill her eyes
There’s an aching in her chest that she can’t stand
She has the urge to get high again, but remembers what that did to her family
Her children need a strong mother
She knows she’ll never be that for them
She can’t live without them
So instead she’ll die without them
The sickness set the idea in stone
There’s only one thing she can do
She pours whiskey into a glass, downs it all in a few seconds, pours another
She cries softly
She picks up the notebook and finds a pen in the bedside drawer
May 3, 2008
I feel like I can’t breathe
I miss my babies so much but I know they’re better off without me
I don’t have the nerve to say goodbye to them, or anyone
I just wish they knew how much I love them
I hope they know I’m trying to do what’s best for them
I want a good life for them, and all I seem to do is cause problems
If I eliminate the issue, hopefully they’ll be okay
They’re everything to me
Tell them I’m sorry for everything
She takes a handful of pills, drops them all onto her tongue, and swallows them with the alcohol
Everything she had or hadn’t done for her children pops up in her mind, fueling her emotions and driving her to finish off all of the pills
When they’re all gone, she drains the glass and sits in the bed, her body completely rigid
She holds onto the photo as she begins to feel drowsy
She sees flashes of milestones to come
Her daughter’s first day of kindergarten
Her son’s first day of high school
Her daughter getting her first job
Her son getting his license
Her daughter graduating
Her son joining the military
Then she sees the effect it’s going to have on her kids
Her daughter having frequent mental breakdowns once she realizes what actually happened
Her son freezing over emotionally to hide from the pain
Her daughter cutting herself
Her son looking to replace the spot she had in his heart
Her daughter attempting suicide too many times to count
Her son developing trust and abandonment issues
She sees her husband trying hard to raise them while knowing that they’ll never truly be okay without her
She realizes too late that it was a mistake
She rushes to the bathroom to try to throw everything up, but she doesn’t make it
She collapses on the floor and no matter how hard she tries, she can’t get up
All she can do is lay there
She’s crying
She’s getting so damn tired
She knows if she falls asleep she won’t wake up, but she can’t keep her eyes open anymore
Her eyelids finally close and she passes out knowing that she failed her children