Tell my mother I loved her.

And if I don't make it
If by the tiniest chance my worst fear makes itself a reality,
If tragically my brain finally gives in
And takes my body to destruction with it
Tell my mother that I love her for me
If one day I wake up and I decide that it is enough,
If I stop fighting
Give her this letter for me
Tell her that I wish I could hug her
Tell I wish I could spend hours with her
Speaking about my first love, giggling as I tell about the disaster of my first kiss.
Pouring out to her.
If one day my heart seizes to pump and hungers my body of the blood
Tell my mother that I wish she could hold me as I cry in her arms about the first boy who broke my little her
Sob as she brushes my back and tells me that I deserve better, that it'll be okay
If one day my shoulders crumble at the weight they have been carrying for years and finally give in to the burden and fall...
Please tell my mother that I wish I had moments with her, I wish she could've allowed me vulnerability so I could I share with her all the griviances of my soul.
If one day I am finally conquered by the battle I have been fighting for years
And to the darkness I eventually say yes
Tell my mother that it was not her fault
This battle was never hers
Tell her that she played her role
She tried, she did her best
Tell her that I wished for one moment, just one she could stop worrying about the materials of my existence
And taken her time to cater to my biggest need, affection.
But also, tell that I forgive her
She did her best with what she knew, she was also learning on the job.
If one day it gets too hefty and I surrender
Tell my mother to take of herself
Give her a kiss on the forehead, a long hug
And tell her that she did well.
If one day, my heart gets too overwhelmed and stops beating
Tell her that I said,"Thank you, you'll be okay ma hang in there. Your daughter loves you and she really tried."