professing the sun

her name popped up on my phone
I'm excited
I know she left me
and it's night
and I'm trying to fall asleep
and I miss her
and f*ck, I want to respond so bad
but she hurt me
so many times
and I hated her for it.
I still hate her for it
or at least I want to hate her for it
and I promised myself
that when she tries to come back
I won't let her in
but god she's right there
I might just give in and respond this once
maybe I won’t give her
all of me this time
But with her, that's not possible
with her, I can't help myself
and I hate that
so I turn my phone over
and I force myself to sleep
I think that's progress