I don't need you

I don't need you
I don't need you to ask me if I'm fine
Because I will tell you I'm fine but you know I'm not fine
And I know I'm not fine
And when everyone asks me all the time, it makes me feel low
But they don't know
They don't know, but they hope I can grow in the glow, go with the flow
They're waiting for me to live the joy, but that joy doesn't want to live me anymore
It used to live me, it knew me down to the core and always gave me more but now, I only sore
I sore, I suffer, I sigh, I cry
I had daring dreams bigger than the world
I had high hopes higher than the sky
But pain made them die
While I only wanted to fly
Now there's too much pain
But
'Don't think about it'
'Forget it'
'Let it go for a second'
'Take your mind off things!'
But I ALWAYS feel this
This "thing" came out of nowhere some random day like a deer suddenly jumping on the highway
But then, instead of moving on, it decided to never leave
And that day will always be a landmark in my life
There will always be before and after
With before that keeps drifting further and further away as if it was a whole other life of a whole other person with feelings I can't remember feeling
And I stay in after
In this pain
And then, there is the pain that this pain brought with it
Pain of the unknown and the ungrown,
the loss and the lies,
the cries and the sighs,
the anxiety and the anger,
the lack of sleep and the lack of self-control,
the waiting and the worries,
the sorrows and the sorries,
the hope and the hiding,
the tiredness and the tightness,
what happened and what will happen
The bad memories became the boss of my mind
Replay
Replay
Replay all day
All night
Just when you think it will disappear out of sight
It's all I see
All I hear
All I dream
All there seems to be
The past took over my frame of thought and is leading my future and my now
What used to be an everyday thing became an achievement
An achievement I don't know for how long I'll still achieve
I just grieve
Grieve, but not because of the loss of someone else
But because of the loss of me
The loss of who I wanted to be
Who I was
What I meant
Now I have nothing that tells the truth of the person I am
I'm not the positive, playful person from the past, but I'm also not the powerless, painful person I appear as now
And I can't get through those stupid "stages" of grief
Because I am still here
But I'm not all here
Sometimes I lose the strength to stay on earth and you will talk and talk and talk, but I won't hear you
I won't talk
But I do want to scream
I want to scream because of the sorrows, the anger, the rage
But it makes me ache
Everything I did or liked or adored makes me ache now
I changed
But I don't want to
I don't want to lose the life I used to live
I don't want to leave the person I used to be
I don't want to give in to everything I'm giving up
I became this weak, whiny person while I only wanted to be wild and strong and free
But instead, a wild and strong river took me in
And there's no way out
Like those weeds that will always be stuck in the cracks of the road
I'm stuck in the water in the river and that river untaught me how to swim
They keep telling me I will get out
I will go with the flow to the ocean and back out on the land
But that's not true
It was just the hope that said it was
The hope that kept dissapointing me and others
The hope that kept shrinking everyday waiting for a win until it realized it could not win here
It was all just a lie
One large, long living lie
And you know what's also a lie?
That I don't need you
Because I do
I do need you to ask me if I'm okay
I just don't want to need you