Should've Just Killed Me (TW for mention of su!c!de and SA)

I wish your threat,
If you had made it
At all to me
Had really come true.
I wish I had refused,
When you wanted me
To find out
How families grow
And how babies
Are made;
I wish I had refused.
I wish you really actually
Had made good
On your threat
If I dared to deny
Your awful request
And had just killed me.
I would’ve been dead
A whole lot quicker
If I could just go back
And redo everything
To make it align to what
I’ve wanted since then.
I would’ve been known
As a dead,
Amazing,
Heroic,
Bold,
Brave
Martyr.
But now instead,
I'm just known
For my fateful past,
Deeply hating myself so much
For things that might’ve been
Only out of my control.
Now,
My story is known
To a lot of people
And they all either
Pity me
Or think I really
Was so stupid.
And now,
Even though I have
Better coping skills
To help me out
In times of crisis
And even though
I’m getting treatment,
All I wish is for
My younger self
To die and be sent away
To a better place
Before I could
Process through
What had happened
To me.
I could only be known
As a martyr,
Who refused to be
Taken advantage of
At the hands of
A victimized boy,
And he could be
Placed somewhere else,
In a mental home
So he could get help,
Instead of me
Still being alive,
Traumatized and
Terribly affected forever
By my horrible ordeal,
And him still being
In my school,
A constant reminder
Of the sickening things
I’ve endured.
Oh,
How I wish I could’ve
Been killed
When he’d had the chance,
So I wouldn’t have
To still be here and suffer.